December Promise
by T. Costa
Summary: A year after Ultimecia's defeat, Seifer finds himself living in Dollet, under a different name, with a different life. Is it possible for him to even be saved? Drug use, sexual scenarios. SeiferOC, SeiferSquall. Continued in Sad But True.
1. Intro to Destruction

_I see his gunblade, coming up towards me. It kisses my forehead, almost gently, spilling blood. I know he takes pleasure in it; he always did.  
He can't remember why he hates me. I barely can. But I remember.  
Rivals. Ex-lovers. Choose. Either or.  
"I hate you." He whispers to me. He stumbles away, trying to see through the haze of blood that's clogging his eyes. I see him pass out, and I join him._

I sat up in bed, my heart pounding. Yet another nightmare, involving Squall. Always involving Squall.  
I stand up, ignoring my lack of clothing, and walk to the sink in my trashy hotel room. It was a shithole, but the price was right-twenty gil a week. I splashed water in my face, lightly.  
That brought my attention to my reflection. I stared at it, squinting in the dim light of the night. Outside, somewhere, the neon light for the hotel was blinking, and every so often it would illuminate my face just so.  
The scar, running diagonally between my eyes, always a reminder of Squall. Always a reminder of my failures.  
A pounding at my door. I spared a glance at my alarm clock; three AM, not quite too late to be sacred.  
"Come on, man! Let's go!" I heard Jez's voice on the other side. "Jake scored us some killer weed, man!"  
"I'm comin', I'm comin'. Keep yer pants on." I grumbled, picking up some boxers and putting them on. I opened the door.  
"Get dressed, man! This is primo _chron_, the good shit!" Jez looked excited. I grinned.  
I can't erase my memories; you need a GF to do that. But I can get rid of them for a few hours at a time.  
"Hang on a sec."  
"Damn, Rage, you need to clean your room." Jez says, taking in the mess behind me. Rage. Hah. None of them know my real name; I doubt they'd recognize me, potheads have problems remembering things. They named me Rage because whenever they tried to talk to me at first, I flew off the handle.  
I won't tell them my real name. I have my reasons. I mean, it's not like the name Seifer Almasy rings a bell to any of the stoners; I've heard the name mentioned in my crowd before, when Squall started looking for me after the big war. I'm assuming it was so he could kick my ass. But if they knew my real name, they could say it aloud, and someone who has a better memory might just realize who I was.  
"Yeah, yeah." I waved her off and found a pair of jeans and a black T-shirt. It had a logo on it; oh, right, The Offspring. Cool band, I guess. I shoved it on and sniffed; marginally clean, it'd do.  
"I guess you're presentable." Jez said. Her long black hair stood out around her haphazardly, her eyes looked sunken. She was your stereotypical drug user, drug abuser, drug anything you want to call her. Her thin hands were deft at separating pot into parcels; dime bags, twenty-sacks, half-ounces, anything; deft at dividing coke into lines on a mirror she kept in her room; deft at sorting pills into uppers, downers, hallucinogens.  
She claimed she was nineteen. I think she's younger. Seventeen at the most. Probably closer to sixteen.  
I'm not bothered by that. She gets the weed.  
"Hurry _up_, man, the weed ain't gonna smoke itself."  
"If Jake's there, it might." I retorted, shutting the door behind me.  
"Good point. Let's go!" 

Jake. How can I describe Jake? You know Squall. If Squall did drugs, he'd be Jake.  
He's a dark-haired guy, skinny, short. He even has the same damned storm-blue eyes.  
He's perma-high; the one time I ever saw him sober he was freaking out, tearing the place up, looking for some E he'd dropped somewhere. His place is pretty cool, though. It's basement-level, in a real crappy apartment complex here in Dollet. It's really only one room; a studio apartment, if you want to be kind. His bedroom and living room are one in the same; he has some bean bags scattered around and a mattress lying on the floor for when he gets too high to sit up. Occasionally someone will join him there.  
He has a telescreen mounted on the wall. Jake may be a stoner, but I've never met anyone better with electronics. He's jacked his telescreen directly into the cable feed that services this half of the planet, and he's never been detected.  
Other than the drug habit, Jake's actually a rather nice guy. He found me soon after, sleeping on a low windowsil in an alley. The window, as I recall, belonged to a rather nice library; someone like me had no right to be sleeping there, under my tattered ass trench coat with the stupid red crosses on it (I've since ditched that thing), padding my fat ass with newspapers that proclaimed the world saved. I put them under my ass because Squall's face was plastered all over them, along with that bitch Rinoa.  
He let me crash at his house, after he got me high. Nice of him, eh? I'd never smoked before that, and it was a little strange, but it made me go to sleep and have nice, dreamless nights.  
Jez was there that night, too. I guess she was Jake's little fuck-buddy; she put out with the goods, and he got her stoned. Kinda dysfunctional, if you ask me. She's been hangin' on me a lot lately, and I'm not sure why. I don't have any money, I don't deal, and I rarely have my own drugs. Jake doesn't seem to care, but you know what? No way in hell I'd hit that.  
Jez is cool and all, but she's been around a few times.  
Jake was sitting, when we got to his apartment, on his pedestal. Well, we call it The Pedistal. It's actually a broken stool. He had this stool for ages and the legs broke, so he sawed them down to about five inches and sits on it cross-legged. We think he likes to hover over us. He was sitting in front of his hookah, a huge beast that had a bowl you could eat cereal out of on top, and eight straws coming from it.  
Jake eyed me. "Welcome to the world of the living, Rage."  
I snorted. "Living? It's three-thirty in the morning. This isn't living. This is the underworld, man."  
"Man, you sure you ain't ex-military? Cuz you sure sound like it."  
"Whatever." I replied, brushing him off, and mentally wincing at Squally-boy's favorite word exiting my lips.  
"So come on, Jake, out with it." Jez said, anxiously.  
He grinned at her and reached underneath the Pedistal, removing what looked to be a quarter of some of the finest bud I've ever seen. I held out my hand, and so did Jez. He obediently forked over a bud apiece for our examination.  
"Oh my Lord." Jez said, practically squealing in excitement. "Look at the shit, Rage! It's got red hairs in it!"  
"Look at the crystals growing on it." I murmured, appreciatively. "This must have come at a price, Jake."  
"Not really." Jake looked pleased with himself. "I've got a hold on the guy who lives upstairs from me, so he gave it to me to pay off a debt."  
"Good stuff. You know who his connection is?"  
He grinned. "He's his connection, bro."  
I whistled. "Nice."  
"So, are we gonna smoke up, or not?" Jez asked.  
"We're waiting for the others." Jake said. He gestured to his Hookah. "I don't bring out Lionhart for nothing."  
I winced again. I still can't believe that Jake named his damned _hookah_ after Squall. He's got a serious obsession with Squall; not in the romantic sense, more like idol-worship. He saved the newspapers I was sleeping on the day he found me and clipped out the stories about Squall, Inc., and how they'd saved the world.  
"Who's coming?" I asked.  
"Well, Scion's coming, of course." Jake said. I rolled my eyes; Scion was Jez's counterpart. He was willing to do anything--insert lewd wink here--to get high. He's constantly trying to get into Jake's pants to score a deal on weed, and Jake has to keep reasserting himself--he doesn't swing that way, never has, never will.  
"And Kelly's bringing her little brother. She was supposed to be babysitting him, but ya know." Jake shrugged. "Scion's bringing someone he knows, and Kelly's bringing her boyfriend along."  
"Sounds good to me." I said, standing up. "Munchy run?"  
"I'll go with you!" Jez exclaimed, standing up. Jake forked over some money--he actually has a job, unlike most of us--and we walked out to stock up for seven hungry stoners and a stoned little kid. 

"Oooh, and Twizzlers and--Oooh, look, they have Dorito's, and we gotta get Coke...and water, lots of water...oh, can we get a pizza, Rage?"  
I sighed as we loaded food into the cart one by one. Carefully budgeting, I was able to buy a pack of Marlboro's with what was left over. Jake wouldn't mind.  
"I gotta pee, I'll be right back." Jez said as we crossed the threshold to the store. I sighed again, watching as she ran back inside to go pee. I stood outside, opened my pack, flipped a lucky (although why I bothered nowadays was beyond me--I'm so far beyond luck it's not even funny anymore), and then removed a different one. Bringing out my Bic, I lit it and inhaled, happily.  
I could have stayed happy, if someone hadn't decided to show up.  
"Seifer?" I heard an all-too familiar voice say, almost in shock. My eyes shot open, and met with deep blue ones.  
I hadn't been called Seifer Almasy for almost a year. I'd been Rage, a jerkoff who hung out with nobodys.  
"I don't know what you're talking about." I informed the person addressing me. I wondered vaguely what happened to Rinoa, why they weren't hanging on each other like they used to, then rolled my eyes, crushed my cigarette, and crossed my arms, pointedly looking away from him.  
"Seifer..."  
"You gotta be mistakin' me for someone else, buddy." I said, looking inside and wishing that Jez would fucking hurry up with whatever merchendise she was stealing so I could just leave.  
Finally, she sauntered back outside. "Ready, Rage?"  
"Yeah, let's get the fuck outta here. Some people can't fucking keep their mouths shut." I said, glaring at Squall. Of all the damned places to meet up with my rival, a 24-hour grocery store in the shit end of town, in Dollet, was the last place I'd have thought. At four in the morning, no less  
"Old friend?"  
I snorted. "Old enemy. Let's get the hell out of here."  
Jez gaped at me, looked back at Squall, who I assume was standing there with his arms crossed, in his normal "don't talk to me" stance, and then looked back at me. I gave her a glance.  
"Shut the fuck up."  
"I didn't say anything!" She whined, catching up to me. We walked the rest of the way back to Jake's house in silence. 

"I loaded up a one-hitter for you two." Jake said, rolling his eyes. "The others are running a little late, they should be here in about fifteen minutes."  
"All right!" Jez said, pumping her arm. She held out her hand and took the pipe, toking for a few seconds before passing it to me.  
I held the wooden pipe to my mouth and was just inhaling when someone walked in. It was Scion and his friend.  
And his friend happened to be good old Irvine Kinneas.  
"Hey, everyone, what's up?" Scion joked. "Rage, I see you started without me."  
I narrowed my eyes at him and passed him the one hitter, coughing slightly.  
_What the fuck? Is my past fucking coming back to haunt me? Again?_ I thought. I uninterestedly looked at Irvine, almost daring him to say something.  
"Hey, everyone, this is my buddy Irvine. We go way back, before the world turned to shit, ya know?" Scion said, coughing. He passed the pipe back to Jez. "Irvine, this is Jake, Jez, and Rage."  
"Howdy." He said. He wasn't wearing his normal cowboy getup; his hair wasn't even in a ponytail. He flat-out _looked_ like a stoner, down to and including the ripped jeans and old Tshirt.  
"How's it going?" Jake asked, politely. "Rage and Jez just went on a munchie run."  
"Sweet, dude. I totally was gonna get us a pizza on the way over here, but ya know, Domino's is closed at this time of the day."  
"You were not gonna get us a pizza, you sack of shit." I said, idly. Jez passed me the one hitter and I examined it. "It's dead, dude. When the hell's Kelly gonna get here?"  
"Soon." Jake said.  
"I was too, man! I even got the money in my pocket!" Scion replied, angrily.  
"Whatever." I winced again. At that, Irvine's lips curled up into an almost sarcastic smile, but he didn't say anything. He seemed content to just let me ruin my life in peace.  
_Thanks be Hyne._  
A knock, and Kelly walked in with her little brother in tow. Her boyfriend, Asriel, brought up the rear.  
We have a lot of made-up names in our group. We figure we don't need real ones, as long as we know when someone's addressing us.  
"Who's this?" Kelly asked, a cigarette hanging out of her mouth.  
"Kelly, this's Irvine." Scion said, grandly. Wow. He was already stoned.  
"Pleased to meet you." Irvine said, grinning in that annoying way of his. Asriel coughed.  
"Irvine, someone should mention to you..." I said, drawling my words out deliberately. "That Asriel back there is attached to our friend Kelly. At the pelvis, if you get my drift."  
Irvine's eyes flashed in anger. Jake caught it. "Whoa, whoa. Do you two know each other?"  
"Never seen the bastard in my life." I said, smiling. "I just know the type."  
Irvine calmed down and the rest of us spent a rather peaceable morning toking up. Irvine choked when I mentioned that he was sucking on the Lionhart (only we would get that, really), but he seemed inclined to not mention our previous ties. You know, like growing up in the same orphanage, and trying to kill each other three times over.  
He and Scion left first. They were pretty stoned, but I figured Irvine'd be able to get them out of any shit. After all, he helped save the world.  
I'm amazed that Jake didn't pick up on that, considering his little hero-worship of Squall. He probably doesn't pay attention to anyone but Squall, but you'd think he'd have remembered Irvine Kinneas.  
"We're gonna jet, I've gotta get the little brat home before my mom gets there." Kelly said, snarling at her little brother, who snarled right back. They really don't like each other. Like I said, dysfunction runs rampant in our little troupe. Asriel grabbed the kid--I didn't catch his name--and dragged him out to their car. Kelly followed, flashing us a peace symbol.  
Jez made it obvious that she was planning on fucking Jake, so I grabbed some munchies and excused myself. I was high enough that the rest of the day should pass fairly quickly. I didn't have any idea of what to do for work that night, so I might as well go back home and pass out. 

Someone was in my room.  
I, as high as I was, dodged the first blow. It went whistling past my head.  
I turned slowly, examining the gleaming blue gunblade that was embedded in my door, about two inches from my left ear.  
I turned back. I couldn't see him, but I knew he was there.  
"Who's there?" I asked, knowing exactly who would answer.  
"You know damn well who it is, Seifer." A rough voice said. I couldn't tell where he was.  
I slowly reached out and flipped the light switch. There, amongst my dirty clothes and broken telescreen, sat Squall Leonhart, lord and hero of us all.  
I snorted. "You again?" Rolling my eyes, I took off my shirt and headed to the sink to do another wash of my face. "You're like a cockroach. Won't die, won't leave, won't become extinct. Just keep on living another day. Just to annoy me."  
"You aren't gonna ask how I know where you live?"  
"Oh, I'm thinking your good buddy Irvine could have asked Scion, who knows _exactly_ where I live." I said, lightly. "Scion's a moron, doesn't know when to shut up, so he'd have told his good friend Irvine."  
I finished washing my face and grabbed an only slightly dirty towel to dry off with. Jacks, the black cat Jez found and pleaded with me to keep at my place, walked out from underneath the bed and twined herself around my ankle.  
I sighed and picked the cat up, putting her on one of the chairs. "We gonna fight?"  
"What made you think that?" Squall asked, genuinely confused.  
I crossed my arms over my bare chest. "One, you threw a fucking gunblade at my head."  
"Just my way of letting you know I was here."  
"Two, about six months ago you put the word out that you were looking for me."  
"Rinoa wanted to know whether you were alive."  
"Three, I dunno, maybe it could be, we're rivals? I'm the enemy? The remant of the past that just needs to be cleaned out and then everyone can go back to their perfect, happy little worlds?"  
Squall rolled his eyes. "If you think that's the reason everyone's looking for you, then you're an idiot." He lifted Lionhart out of my door and opened it, leaving again.  
I looked at the cat. "Between you and I, I think I just had a near-death experience."  
Jacks looked at me and mewed pitifully, licking her paws and cleaning the fur near her ears. She then curled her front paws up and balanced her head on them, perfectly asleep.  
"My sentiments exactly." I said. I crawled into my bed and pulled the sheets over my body, allowing myself to relax. I didn't know if Squall would come back in through those doors; I didn't care. If he wanted to kill me, so be it. I could only hope it'd be quick and painless. 


	2. I've Heard This Life Is Overrated

I woke up at four. Stretching, I threw on the cleanest outfit I had--an all-black ensemble consisting of a button-up shirt, synthetic silk, with a light pattern of a dragon winding around it, and black pants. I I strapped on my boots, and slicked back my hair with some of my gel (I was almost out; I'd have to have Jez nick me a bottle at the store soon) then went out to see if the bar was needing work tonight.  
The bar is called Diablos; there's a crude picture of the guardian force on the sign, directly above the words that say "DIABLOS" in large, bold letters. They're in a crappy part of town; I rarely stray from the crappy part of town, honestly. The people of Dollet would love to say that they don't have a crappy part of town, but Dieling City isn't the only place on the planet with a ghetto.  
The pay is right; meaning, under the table. They don't ask for a real name, no tax credentials, and I do my job. When they need me.  
Kashmir (I'm assuming that's a fake name, but you never know with some of the fucked up people here in Dollet), the bouncer, nodded to me and crossed his arms. He looks like a bouncer; he shaves his head bald daily, to a shine, and has arms that are easily as large around as my head. And I have a big head. On his head are two dragons interlinking in the back; the tattoo was done by an artist that owed him money. Kashmir is another dealer in the area, mostly in hardcore goods like coke and smack. I've bought from him a few times, and I never buy on credit. I know better.  
December was bartending tonight. That's her real name, I've seen her license. She's also the owner, and she can put up as good of a fight as Kashmir can, if need be. She grew up in Dieling City, downtown, and her weapon of choice is her fists. She keeps a shotgun underneath the bar, and I happen to know that her aim is deadly.  
"Yo, December."  
"Hey, Rage. Haven't seen you here in a few days." She said, wiping the bar down with a rag. The party was in full swing, so to speak, but Camilla and Darren were already out there, and until people started coming to the bar, she didn't have to take orders. Her servers did it for her.  
"Yeah." I acknowledged, lighting a cigarette. "Got any work?"  
"Actually, I do. Big crowd tonight, I think. You know how to tend?"  
I smirked. "A few things. Show me the ropes and I'll catch on quick enough."  
"I figured you would." She looked me over. "What you're wearing'll do. Come back here."  
I hid a grin and stepped back behind the bar. December must be expecting a huge crowd to ask me to bartend with her. She rarely got so busy that she couldn't handle the rush by herself.  
Showed me where the liquor was, where the shotgun was, and some of the most basic drinks. Most of what people ordered here was pretty straight-up; a beer, a tap, or a shot of something. Occasionally we'd get a high-roller who'd order something off-the-wall like a Manhatten or a martini. There was a chart on the wall that showed what drinks we could offer, if someone really wanted, and in smaller print for the bartender, how to make it.  
"Sure thing."  
"Register's back here." She said, leading me around to an out-of-sight area. "You keep the money on you unless you're getting loaded down or someone wants change. Keep your tips separate from my money." She grinned. "You can keep your tips, of course."  
I smirked. "How much?"  
"Well, since you'll double as a bouncer, I'll be nice and double your money. Three hundred, plus you can keep your tips." She wagged her finger at me. "I expect you to keep the drunks under control, Rage."  
"Sure thing." I said. She nodded and went up front, and I rolled up my shirtsleeves, sticking my pack of cigarettes under the fold on my left arm. My muscles bulged threateningly under the sleeves; they had, in the past, deterred a lot of people from fucking with December and her crew here at the bar.  
December's pretty fucking cool. She's part of my group, although not as tight-knit as Jez, Jake, and the rest of them. She's there occasionally, and she usually brings something nice with her, sometimes a twenty-sack, sometimes an eight-ball, sometimes a few teeners to share. It's always good quality; December makes a lot of money from this place.  
Jake introduced me to December about a week into my acquaintenship with him. I was, as I said, always in a rage, and he figured I might as well drink some of it off. December noticed that I got mad when drunk, but I beat the absolute _fuck_ out of some of the patrons who were getting out of hand (I really hate it when people interrupt my drinking), and she offered me sometime work.  
Since then she's come to trust me, which is, I guess, a measure of my loyalty. I may be a fuckup in most aspects, but I'm still fiercely loyal to what I think is worth behing loyal to. December is, really, the only person I've met worth that around here.  
"We've got an open-mic night tonight." She commented as I walked out from the register area. "A really popular local. I don't remember his name but he's pretty good, plays guitar. He'll draw a lot of people."  
"Ah, so that's why you wanted backup." I grinned.  
"Yep." December is a pretty decent human being, in that she can recognize her limitations and isn't afraid to admit to them. If only--if only--I had some of that ability. It would have kept me out of all of this shit. I'd have made SeeD _ages_ ago. I snorted to myself. _Let's not think about that right now._  
If December noticed the hesitation on my part, she didn't pay attention. She made me take over the bar while it was still sort of slow, watching as I deftly handled the customers and managed to make twenty in tips from two guys already drunk.  
_That's rent._ I thought, shoving the tips into my left pocket. Their cash for the drinks went into my right.  
"You catch on faster than I thought." December said. Her mid-length brown hair, normally down around her shoulders, was up in a ponytail tonight. She only did that when she knew--I think she has an instinct about this, probably from five years in the business--that it was going to be busy.  
"What can I say, I'm damn smart." I said, tapping my head. She rolled her eyes, used to my arrogance (a carryover from the Disciplinary Committee). Thinking about the DC made me think of Fujin and Raijin, and I idly wondered where they were. Last time I'd seen them was in Balamb, where we'd been trying half-heartedly to fish. Raijin actually caught something, as I recall. We each went to our separate rooms that night, but when they woke up, I wasn't there. Why? I'd split. Just like my parents when I was little. I suppose it's genetic.  
I can't seem to ever let things get nice, get comfortable. That's probably why I loved this life so much. Even with Squall; our relationship had been almost perfect, and I had to go and fuck it up and cheat on him. Well, I can also blame that on ignorance; I was only fifteen, sixteen years old at the time. I'm four years older and four years wiser, and I know I'd still probably do it...  
I shook myself from my ruminations about the past and got into the job of serving the increasingly steady amount of drunks. After a few hours I wanted to leave, but there was good money in staying; drunks can't count well so you almost always get a good tip out of them.  
"The guy's here." December murmured to me. "It's gonna get really busy really soon."  
"Sucks." I muttered back. I flipped her a thumbs-up and went back to work.  
I heard sounds of someone tuning up a guitar, but I didn't pay attention to anything except for the customers. Suddenly there were more to count, and December and I were hard-put upon to keep up with them.  
I heard someone cough, and I looked up. No more customers; they'd all gone to listen to whoever this was. I peered into the crowd and I caught a glimpse of someone familiar. I groaned.  
Irvine. Irvine fucking Kinneas. Again. What the fuck was it with these people and stalking me?  
"I'm gonna start with a cover, here." Irvine said. He was wearing his cowboy hat, but the leather duster was gone. Instead he wore a black Tshirt and black pants. He opened his mouth and started to sing. Despite myself, I listened. It was a pretty popular love song; even I could sing along with the lyrics. I can sing, despite popular rumor. I'm not half-bad, either. 

_"A hundred days had made me older  
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face  
A thousand lights have made me colder  
And I don't think I can look at this the same _

But all the miles that separate  
They disappeared now when I'm dreaming of your face 

I'm here without you baby  
But your still on my lonely mind  
I think about you baby  
And I dream about you all the time  
I'm here without you baby  
But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight it's only you and me 

The miles just keep rolling  
As the people lead their way to say hello  
I've heard this life is overrated  
But I hope it gets better as we go 

I'm here without you baby  
But your still on my lonely mind  
I think about you baby  
And I dream about you all the time  
I'm here without you baby  
But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight it's only you and me 

Everything I know, and anywhere I go  
It gets hard but it won't take away my love  
And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done  
it get hard but it won't take away my love 

I'm here without you baby  
But your still on my lonely mind  
I think about you baby  
And I dream about you all the time  
I'm here without you baby  
But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight it's only you and me 

I'm here without you baby  
But your still on my lonely mind  
I think about you baby  
And I dream about you all the time  
I'm here without you baby  
But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight it's only you and me" 

"Dedicated to someone really special that I miss." Irvine winked at a few ladies, who tittered around. I saw December roll her eyes, and I was unreasonably glad that she wasn't taken in by Irvine's idiocy.  
I assumed that the girl he was singing about was that twit Selphie. Lord, how I'd teased them at the orphanage. I remember that. A slightly cruel grin twisted it's way onto my face, and then I wiped it clean as someone walked up and ordered a beer.  
Irvine's voice coming over the speakers was really starting to annoy me by the time he left; he was pretty good, I just don't like the cowboy-geek.  
Another small rush accompanied his departure, which December and I struggled to handle. After about an hour it was down to it's normal pace, and she had me dump off her cash before paying me the three hundred and letting me go.  
I sat at a table near the bar and counted out my tips; over four hundred, more than doubling my wages for tonight. I was rich! I could pay for rent a few times over and not have to worry about it for weeks.  
"You're pretty good, Rage." December said, after things had calmed down to a point where she could come out and sit with me. "Ever considered tending?"  
"Not really." I admitted.  
"You can't fool me, Rage, you're former military." She crossed her arms. "People can sense that sort of thing; you keep the place calmed down while you're doing it. That's a good asset in this business."  
I shrugged.  
"I can hire you on regular; I've been looking for someone good enough to tend so that I can take care of administrative stuff."  
I shrugged again.  
"I'd have to know your real name, though."  
I stopped dead. "No way in hell."  
She eyed me. "It can't be that bad. I mean, who are you, Ultimecia or something?" She rolled her eyes and laughed. I frowned and eyed the wood grain of the table.  
"Something like that." I muttered.  
That stopped her. "Well, think about it. I won't tell anyone, it doesn't have to leave my office."  
"I will." I whispered. She got the hint and left the table.  
A regular job. That would be admitting that things were settled, that things could get comfortable. And I knew that I wouldn't be alright with that.  
I got a beer, changed my tips into twenties, and tucked the money, under the cover of the bar, securely into my underwear; between my semitight pants and my skin, there wasn't much of a chance that I'd lose any of it. With that, I holstered the gun that I kept on me pretty much everywhere and sauntered back to my hotel room. 

"Yo....Rage!" I heard an annoyingly familiar voice ask. I turned around and thanked Hyne that he hadn't said my real name; I was in such a strange state of mind that I probably would have answered to it.  
"Yes, Irvine?" I asked, politely, feeling the weight of my gun on my side and wondering if I'd have to use it.  
"We need to talk, man." He put a hand on my shoulder.  
I shook it off, angrily. "No, we don't. Leave me alone." Turned back to my original task, walking home. He followed me. I ignored him.  
"Didja like my performance?" He asked.  
I sighed; acting like a two-year old is part of my repetoir, I've done it well for my entire life. "It was alright, I guess. Can you leave me alone?"  
"No way, man." He shook his head. "You don't look good. Rin--ah, _she'd_ have a fit if she knew I left you alone."  
I glared at him. "Why the hell should she care? Any of you? Get the fuck out of my face, Kinneas, before I do to it what I did to Mr. Hero." I pushed him away from me and stormed up the stairs to my room. It was only eleven at night; I sighed, too worked up to go to sleep, and completely dry as far as drugs were concerned. I started to pick up my stuff. Jez had been right, I definitely needed to clean the place. Soon enough, my clothes were piled in a largeish pile at the foot of my bed, and Jacks' food and water dishes were clean and full of fresh sustenance.  
Bored now, I sorted through my money again. Total, I had seven hundred, thirty six dollars and twenty seven cents. I figured I'd take two hundred tomorrow and pay for two months rent. I could get some of my own weed, finally, and stash it around the room. I'd have to talk to December about that; she usually hooked me up on the rare occasion that I actually had money for my own shit.  
I could buy Jacks some food; the stuff she was eating now was cheap shit nicked from a dollar store a few blocks away from me. I rather like Jacks; I'd never had a real pet before her, so I could almost thank Jez for making me take the cat in. She's mild-mannered and almost too cute to bear sometimes.  
I could also buy me some food, and maybe some bullets for the lame ass pistol I carried around. I pined for Hyperion; unfortunately, that wouldn't happen anytime soon. Didn't keep the thing around me. Too conspicuous, and everyone knew Hyperion was attatched to the name Seifer Almasy.  
I looked around my room and divided my cash up into a few different piles of about sixty bucks each, and hid each one in a different nook or cranny. I was paranoid by nature, made even more so by my stint in this hellhole. My room hadn't been broken into yet, but I didn't know when it would ever happen. I had a lot of hidey-holes.  
I saved the last pile of sixty-seven and shoved that in my pocket. I petted Jacks, shut off the light, and locked my door securely behind me. Then I sauntered off to make a few purchases at the grocery store. 

A five-pound bag of dried catfood, a carton of cigarettes, and thirty dollars worth of munchies later, I was back at the room, putting my shit away. I hadn't had any close encounters of the Squall kind, nor had I been accosted by Jez or Scion, so I figured the night was a good one. I considered going back to the bar; it was only midnight, and she stayed open until one Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays, so I knew I could get a beer and a place to hang out if I gave in.  
I dawdled, petting Jacks and dangling an old shoestring to entertain her, wishing that I could just let myself be content with staying in my room for the night. Sighing, I sprung loose another sixty and headed back for the bar.  
It was pretty dead when I got there. December told me she was thinking of closing down early and going out herself. I urged her to; I was easily bored, and hanging out with December is rarely boring.  
After a few minutes of pestering her, she gave in. She called the under-the tables over, paid them, and sent them home, then hung a huge "closed" sign up in the window. We each grabbed one last beer and then locked up, heading out into the great unknown.  
"Bored again, Rage?" She asked, her cheeks dimpling in the moonlight. I nodded sullenly, shoving my hands into my pockets.  
"We'll have a stop-in at my place and then head over to Jake's house." She suggested. I perked up, interested. I'd never been to December's house; to the best of my knowledge, no one has. I like to check out people's houses. The way they decorate them tells you what kind of person they are. My room, for instance, is messy most of the time, and random posters of bands or that I just find to be cool are hung, crooked, on the walls. A telescreen is mounted, also crooked, across from my bed, and there's a small bookcase. I'm not stupid, you know. I like to read. The bookcase is small because most of the time I'm broke and don't have the money to spend on shit like books.  
Waste of money, most of the time. Jake has a library card he lets me use. Why buy books when I can use the sixty to buy a half-ounce of chron?  
"This is it." December said, lightly. We had stopped in front of a sort of run-down looking house; most of the houses in the slums were kinda run-down. December, however, owned this, whereas most people rented them, so it can't have been as bad as I thought it'd be.  
It wasn't. She had hardwood floors, a luxury I couldn't even begin to think about the costs of. The decor was quietly elegant, with a random weapon placed here and there. I thought it fit December perfectly; elegant, with a touch of bad-ass.  
She came out with a bag and grinned, leading me back outside and locking the door. "I'm ready, let's get going."

* * *

Teener-a sixteenth, a measure of methamphetamine, or "crank." Just for ya'll who don't know. 


	3. Addicted to the Shin Dig

A/N: I don't know why I'm doing this, these things normally irritate the crap out of me. But hey. The "songfic" chapter. There's also heterosexual lemon. 

It was cold outside, so Jake's house seemed like a blast of warm air in all of the frigid, vital parts of my body. There was a decent crowd of people there, including, I noticed, Irvine. He'd brought a friend; I was amazed that Quistis would allow herself in a place like this. She seemed reserved around me, but she didn't blow my cover.  
Did I ever mention that I cheated on Squall? Yeah, guess who it was with.  
Jake loved this sort of thing; squeezing as many people as he could into his tiny apartment and getting us all high. December was welcomed as warmly as myself, especially when she opened her bag and removed what looked to be an ounce of primo chronic, red hairs and crystals all accounted for, and two eight-balls of coke. 

_ Can't stop, addicted to the shin dig  
Cop top, he says I'm gonna win big  
Choose not a life of imitation  
Distant cousin to the reservation _

Music playing in the background, something with a beat that I could dance to, but not dancy music. Rock, I tried to remember the band's name and couldn't. I knew the words and sang along, boredly, while Jez divided the eight-ball into different parts. She handed me a straw and I took the hit, reveling in the rush of cocaine. 

_ Defunct, the pistol that you pay for  
This punk, the feeling that you stay for  
In time, I want to be your best friend  
Eastside love is living on the westend _

December was near Jake, who had brought out Lionheart. She handed me the tube, and Jake lit the bowl of the hookah, all eight of the people (including Quistis, wow, isn't that something? I wonder if she's an Instructer again. That'd be a trip, running into your teacher at a party like this) toked up. Jez giggled, the coke starting to take affect. 

_ Knocked out, but boy you better come to  
Don't die, you know the truth is some do  
Go write your message on the pavement  
Burn so bright, I wonder what the wave meant _

Ever smoked up while you were on coke? Probably not. I'll give you a little explanation. It's a rush and a downer all at once. You can feel all emotions at once, but you can't express it because you're fucking _baked off of your ass_. It's the best feeling in the world, and best of all, it lets you forget your little failures because when you're on coke, you're the almighty shit of the world, the best thing on the planet. It was like being the head of the DC again. I was in charge, and I knew it. Everyone else knew it, too. 

_ White heat is screaming in the jungle  
Complete the motion if you stumble  
Go ask the dust for any answers  
Come back strong with 50 belly dancers _

I know that if Squall knew what I was doing, he was asking himself why I was doing this to myself. Or maybe he wasn't, maybe he was glad, I was doing him one favor and killing myself so he wouldn't have to do it himself. But I have an answer anyway. Why do I do this? Because it makes me fucking happy, that's why. Fuck health, fuck being able to think straight. This is what it's all about; this one little mood-altering thing that makes me so fucking happy that I want to puke. I own the world when I'm here, when I do this, and I don't have to worry about it because I can feel it, feel it sliding through my veins. 

_ The world I love  
The tears I drop  
To be part of  
The wave, can't stop  
Ever wonder if it's all for you?  
The world I love  
The trains I hop  
To be part of  
The wave, can't stop  
Come and tell me when it's time to... _

I stand up, knowing that it's been a long time and that I should leave. I stumble to the door, falling a few times. Jez is hanging off of me, I push her off and make a run for it. I see her consoling herself with Jake; who cares? I think. Someone is running after me, and I feel the rush again, run, pumping legs, escaping. Somehow, I make it back to my motel and run up the stairs, fumbling with the key until the person who was chasing me catches up and takes the key from me. They unlock the door. It's Quistis. 

_ Sweetheart is bleeding in the snowcone  
So smart, she's leading me to ozone  
Music, the great communicator  
Use two sticks to make it in the nature _

My room is dark, and she turns on the light and looks at me, her hands on her hips. I roll my eyes just like I used to. She asks me something--what am I doing here, why am I doing this to myself? I give her the finger and tear my shirt off, flopping on my bed and petting Jacks, because she wandered up onto the bed for attention. I look at the clock. It's almost four. It seems like the hours between arriving at Jake's house and leaving Jake's house sped by with no interval at all, and I'm dizzy. Quistis sits on my bed; she looks concerned but I ignore her, staring at the ceiling and trying to hear the voices that call to me. 

_ I'll get you into penetration  
The gender of a generation  
The birth of every other nation  
Worth your weight, the gold of meditation _

Jacks mews piteously and jumps off the bed, annoyed at me. I look over; her water dish is empty. Sighing laborously, I stand up, fill the dish, put it where it was, and lay back down. Quistis watches this all with wide eyes, and I consider asking her what she's still doing here. Instead I tell her that I'm gonna go to sleep. She shakes her head, says I can't sleep, if I go to sleep I might not wake up, I did too much coke. I laugh at her, and I ask how she plans on keeping me awake? She sighs and crosses her arms; she's stoned, really baked, I know, because she's eyeing the sink. I get her a cup of water; really too nice for our dear instructor, but there it is. She drinks, and finishes it fast, and I get a look at her eyes. She is _baked_, baked like a cake, man. Bloodred eyes stare at me from behind narrow oval glass frames. I smirk and give Quisty a once-over; she doesn't seem to notice. 

_ This chapter's gonna to be a close one  
Smoke rings, I know you're gonna to blow one  
All on a spaceship, persevering  
Use my hands for everything but steering _

Dear instructor Trepe has bloomed a lot since our orphanage days; tits out to _here_ and hips to match, with an ass that, as the guys in the g-hetto say, doesn't quit. I know I haven't quite done too much coke as she says, cuz I'm getting hard, and you just don't get hard when you're too strung out. I smirk and flop back on my bed. 

_ Can't stop the spirits when they need you  
Mop tops are happy when they feed you  
J. Butterfly is in the treetop  
Birds that blow the meaning into bebop _

Quistis is really stoned, I know it, she's laying down next to me. Every chick I know gets horny when they're stoned, and I'm figuring she's no exception. She's no Jez; Quisty's about as clean as a brand-new car. I look over; she's lying on her side and I can see a clear outline of her curves against the backdrop of my door and bathroom. I get up and shut off the lights. When I get back to the bed, Quistis wraps her arms around me. I snicker. She shuts me up with her mouth. 

_ The world I love  
The tears I drop  
To be part of  
The wave, can't stop  
Ever wonder if it's all for you?  
The world I love  
The trains I hop  
To be part of  
The wave, can't stop  
Come and tell me when it's time to... _

Naked. We're fucking naked, man. How'd that happen? I look at the clock. It's five now, an hour's passed. Quistis moans and I look down. I'm fucking her, she's loving it, and so am I. I wonder how I got here, and then I push it aside and do what I'm best at, which right now is fucking Quistis Trepe harder than she's ever been fucked in her life. Limbs entangled in ways I didn't even think were possible. Then we're done, and we fall asleep. 

_ Wait a minute, I'm passing out, win or lose  
Just like you  
Far more shocking than anything I ever knew  
How about you?  
Ten more reasons why I need somebody new  
Just like you  
Far more shocking than anything I ever knew  
Right on cue _

I wake up briefly when I sense someone moving next to me. Quistis. I sit bolt upright in bed, but I'm pushed back down and I hear her leaving. I look at the clock. Seven. I go back to sleep. 

_ Can't stop addicted to the shin dig  
Cop top, he says I'm gonna win big  
Choose not a life of imitation  
Distant cousin to the reservation _

I dream all kinds of things. Naked Quistis, naked Squall. Jez, Jezebel, lovely fucking Jezebel, cozying up to Jake, who's clothed and smoking a one-hitter. 

_ Defunct, the pistol that you pay for  
This punk, the feeling that you stay for  
In time, I want to be your best friend  
Eastside love is living on the westend _

My gun. I can't find it. It's under the bed, and I know it is, but I can't see it and I don't know what to do, until December, fully clothed, walks in and tells me that I don't need it, I never did, I can take care of it without the gun. She smiles and gives me seven hundred dollars and then leaves again, and I start to cry. 

_ Knock out, but boy you better come to  
Don't die, you know the truth is some do  
Go write, your message on the pavement  
Burn, so bright I wonder what the wave meant _

_Ugh._  
I wake up suddenly, and glance at the clock. It's four PM. I shower quickly and get dressed, then jog down to the office before they close at five to pay for two months rent. I'm bored, the cat is fed, so I walk down to the dock on the other side of town. I've already crashed and burned at this time, and I really should feel exhausted, but instead I feel more awake than I ever have in my life. I slip my hands into my pockets and feel something paper nestling up against my hand. I frown and pull it out. It's a note. From Quistis. 

_ Kick start the golden generator  
Sweet talk, but don't intimidate her  
Can't stop the gods from engineering  
Feel no need for any interfering _

_Seifer;  
Irvine says you go by Rage, but I think you're still Seifer Almasy underneath it all. Seifer, we're all here, all of us, on an undercover mission. Your friends are going to get busted, Seifer. I'd hate to see you caught up with them. You need to get out; this isn't Instructor Trepe talking to you. This is Quistis, a concerned childhood friend. We have an informant in your group, and she's pegged you as a heavy user. I don't care what you have to do, please, leave Dollet and find somewhere else to ruin your life, away from the police.  
Quistis_

_ Your image in the dictionary  
This life is more than ordinary  
Can I get two maybe even three of these  
Come from space, to teach you of the pliades _

I laugh. She's left a phone number. I feel a bittersweet taste in the back of my throat, remembering last night. I'd been so careful up until last night; I hadn't had any random encounters like that for almost an entire year. Forcing myself into celebacy wasn't exactly fun, but I'd managed because I figured that if I was gonna die, it wasn't gonna be from some weird ass STD. And what do I go and do? I have a one-night stand with Quistis fucking _Trepe_, who only wanted to help me. 

_ Can't stop the spirits when they need you  
This life is more than just a read-through _

I glance at the note, memorizing everything about it, from the elegant cursive curls to the phone number at the very bottom, and then I toss it into the water and watch it float away. Fuck salvation. Dollet is my home now. I'm not leaving. 

_A/N: This is a weird chapter, I know. I apologize, but most of it will make sense eventually.  
The song is "Can't Stop" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I didn't make it._


	4. Suicide is Painless

I dwelled on it for a while, pegging December as the informant. She seemed the type, as cool as she was. Oh well. If I went to jail, I went to jail.  
And oddly enough, I found myself back in Diablos that night. I was bored, there was nothing to do, so I decided to make myself some more money. Apparently, another popular local band was playing that night, and I was recruited by December to bartend again.  
At about seven, the lights dimmed and the band came on. I snorted, not even remotely surprised about who was on stage.  
Quistis, wearing a tight black Tshirt with a white longsleeved undershirt and black pants and combat boots, walked onstage carrying a bass guitar. She had taken off her normal wire-rimmed glasses and replaced them with what we in SeeD training had called "birth control glasses," mainly because the wearer was made so ugly by wearing them that no one would sleep with them. Black, thick plastic frames. Her hair was messily piled on top of her head, and she wore a red tie knotted loosely around her neck.  
Selphie Tilmitt had exchanged her normal slicker looking dress for a plaid bondage dress of about the same length, with a collar and short sleeves. She wore knee-length lace up leather boots with thick soles and four-inch platform heels. There were also criss-crossing buckles across them. Her hair had been bleached and dyed bright red. She was carrying drum sticks.  
Zell--hah! His stupid tattoo had been artistically covered up and he looked almost normal, except that _his_ hair had been bleached and dyed neon green. He had a labret piercing with a hoop going around his lip. I wondered if it was a real piercing or if it was just a really good imitation. He wore a bright green shirt with faded type on it, regular blue jeans, and bright red Doc Martens. He was carrying a guitar.  
Squall--oh boy. I winced and looked away. He was wearing a white tshirt and blue jeans, and he basically looked the same as ever. He wasn't carrying an instrument, but that didn't surprise me. Squall can sing. Boy, can he sing.  
"What was that?" December asked, noting my wince. I shrugged. "I used to date that guy." I said, smirking. I wondered what she'd make of _that_.  
"Wow, really? He's pretty cute. Why aren't you two still together?"  
I snorted. "Cheated on him with his bassist."  
She shut up.  
The crowd shut up instantly when the band struck the first note. Zell was singing back-up, which was interesting. Chicken-wuss had a higher tenor, and it worked well with Squall's deeper, almost baritone, tenor voice. The song was vaguely familiar, and really quiet. The crowd swayed in time with the music. 

_ "Through early morning fog I see  
Visions of the things to be  
The pains that are witheld from me  
I realize and I can see _

That suicide is painless  
It brings on many changes  
And I can take or leave it  
If I please 

The game of life is hard to play  
I'm gonna lose it anyway  
This losing card I'll someday lay  
So this is all I have to say 

Suicide is painless  
It brings on many changes  
And I can take or leave it  
If I please 

The sword of time will pierce our skin  
It doesn't hurt when it begins  
But as it works it's way on in  
The pain grows stronger--watch it brim 

Suicide is painless  
It brings on many changes  
And I can take or leave it  
If I please 

A brave man once requested me  
To answer questions that are key  
'Is it to be, or not to be?'  
And I replied, 'Oh, why ask me?' 

Suicide is painless  
It brings on many changes  
And I can take or leave it  
If I please 

And you can do the same thing  
If you please..." 

I really did recognize that tune from somewhere, but I couldn't remember where. They didn't introduce it as a cover, but that wasn't overly unusual with older songs. They did a few more, some dealing with death, others with the pain of life, and for some reason it struck my errant humor. Squally-boy, master of internal torment and emotional baggage. How...emo of him.  
Things really picked up when they took their intermission; Squall came over and introduced himself to December as Erick, a musician from Balamb.  
He looked at me coldly, and then got a bottle of water from December. He stalked off, and I blinked. Was it an act, or was he really pissed at me?  
"Your ex seems pretty pissed."  
"Yeah, well, we dated a while back. It's had plenty of time to stew in his brain." I rolled my eyes and continued on with my work. 

Apparently, there had been a change to the song lineup. Because what was on my set list wasn't what Squall sang next. 

_ "I hear...  
A voice say 'Don't be so blind'  
It's telling me all these things  
That you would probably hide  
Am I  
Your one and only desire?  
Am I the reason you breathe  
Or am I the reason you cry? _

Always...  
Always...  
Always...  
Always...  
Always...  
Always...  
I just can't live without you! 

I love you  
I hate you  
I can't get around you  
I breathe you  
I taste you  
I can't live without you  
I just can't take anymore  
This life of solitude  
I guess that I'm out the door  
And now I'm done with you 

Done with you 

I feel...  
Like you don't want me around  
I guess I'll pack all my things  
I guess I'll see you around  
It's all  
Been bottled up until now  
As I walk out your door  
All I can hear is the sound 

Always...  
Always...  
Always...  
Always...  
Always...  
Always...  
I just can't live without you! 

I love you  
I hate you  
I can't get around you  
I breathe you  
I taste you  
I can't live without you  
I just can't take anymore  
This life of solitude  
I guess that I'm out the door  
And now I'm done with you 

I love you  
I hate you  
I can't live without you! 

I wrapped my head around your heart  
Why would you tear my world apart??! 

Always...  
Always...  
Always...  
Always... 

I see....  
The blood all over your hands  
Does it make you feel  
More like a man?  
Was it all  
Just a part of your plan?  
The pistol's shakin' in my hands  
And all I hear is the sound.... 

I love you  
I hate you  
I can't live around you  
I breathe you  
I taste you  
I can't live without you  
I just can't take anymore  
This life of solitude  
I guess that I'm out the door  
And now I'm done with you 

I love you  
I hate you  
I can't live without you  
I love you  
I hate you  
I can't live without you  
I just can't take anymore  
This life of solitude  
I pick myself off the floor  
And now I'm done with you 

Always  
Always 

Always...." 

"Whoa. Your boyfriend seems pretty pissed at you." December said, sliding a drink to a customer.  
"Not my boyfriend anymore." I grunted. I was hoping that she'd stop bringing this up; did she think I needed a reminder that Squall, apparently, hated me?  
They finished up an hour later and I walked out of Diablos with six hundred. Not as good as last night, but pretty good. I felt rich, but I knew that I could easily blow all of the money I had if I wasn't careful.  
Quistis walked up to me as I was walking back to my place and looked me over. "Rage." She said. She stuck her hand out. "Name's Dagger."  
I raised my eyebrows. "Who gave you that name?"  
She smirked. "Erick." I bit my lip, trying to contain the laughter that threatened to burst out. Instead I looked at the people who were ranged behind her; Just Selphie and Zell, but it was enough to intimidate me. All I had was a lousy 9mm handgun.  
"I take it 'Erick's' still pissed at me." I commented, shoving my hands in my pockets, turning, and starting back towards my room.  
"That's an understatement." Selphie said.  
Zell spoke up. "I think he sorta hoped you two could get back together after the sorceress war, and...you know who...spoiled all of that."  
I wrinkled my nose. Rinoa. Then I snorted. "Whatever. I'm not getting back with him."  
Quistis flushed and crossed her arms. "At least talk to him."  
"No." I wondered when he'd decided he hated me; when he threw the gunblade at my head in my room, or after.  
"Did you get my note?" I nodded.  
"What do you have to say?"  
"It's bullshit." I said, rolling my eyes. I heard her stop walking suddenly. "I'm not leaving Dollet. Fuck that."  
"S--Rage..."  
"Look." I roared, whirling around to face them. "You guys continue doing whatever the fuck it is you guys are doing here. If I get arrested, so fucking be it. It's my life."  
"Man...you need help." Zell said, rolling his eyes. He turned around and started back to the bar. Selphie cast a mournful look at me and did the same.  
Quistis looked in my eyes, and her face softened. "Seifer..."  
"Don't call me that." I hissed.  
"Fine. We're just worried about you."  
"Whatever." I snorted. "I don't need your worry, _instructor_. I'm a big boy. I can take care of myself. In case you don't remember, I'm older than you are."  
"By like a month." Quistis rolled her eyes. "S...Rage, you're hurting more people than just yourself, here."  
"Watch me care." I spat, turning on my heel and heading into the building. 

December came to my room that night. How she learned where I live, I dunno, but I answered the door in jeans and nothing else, and I was really startled. I thought it was either Squall coming to kill me or Quistis coming to berate me.  
"Hi." I said, running my right hand through my hair. "Do you need something?"  
December smirked. "I was wondering if you'd considered the offer of working regular."  
"Oh." I said. I really hadn't, and I think she realized it as soon as it was out of her mouth.  
"Obviously not." She said. "Can I come in?"  
"Uh...sure." I said, stepping aside and mentally blessing myself for having cleaned house the other night. I'd even done laundry, so there was less of it scattered around on the floor.  
"Rage, you're really good." She said. "I won't tell anyone your identity, since you seem so damn intent on keeping it a secret, but I need help there. And I can't hire you regular and keep it under the table; the feds'll come in and notice you."  
"I know." I said. I grimaced. I really didn't want to get hired by December, since I'd pegged her as an informant.  
Something caught my eye. It was another note; why I hadn't noticed it by now was beyond me, but it was lying on my nightstand, and I recognized Squall's spiky handwriting anywhere. There was just one word on it, but my eyes widened.  
"Jezebel." 

"Whoa, Rage, you okay?" December waved her hands in my face. I blinked.  
"What?" I replied, intelligently.  
"You've been staring at me for like a minute without saying anything." She looked concerned.  
I was going to kill her.  
Not December. December wasn't our informant. It was that self-serving bitch Jez. I was going to kill her. I really was. She was Squall's informant. He had just let me know.  
I looked at December. Her eyes were pleading with me, and I sighed.  
"December...you have to absolutely promise me that you won't tell anyone."  
"You act like you're someone really horrible, like Adel." She laughed. "Come on, Rage. It's not a huge deal."  
"No, actually, it is, my name could get me killed." I crossed my arms and looked at her. "No promise, no workie."  
She sighed. "I _promise_, Rage. You know my word is my bond."  
"Fine." I sighed. A real job. How boring. "Four nights maximum."  
She grinned. "Sure thing. You've gotta fill out the tax papers." She dug around in her bag and withdrew a few papers. "That's why I've gotta know who you are."  
Solomnly, I accepted the papers and grabbed a pen from the nightstand. I sat on the other end of my bed from her, set the papers on my bookcase, and started to fill them out. She didn't look over my shoulders, thank God, and I lost my nervousness as I filled in the necessary blanks.  
I handed her the papers and swollowed. She read through them, and I saw her eyes widen.  
"S-Seifer Almasy?" She whispered. I nodded, and crossed my arms.  
She bit her lip. "You're really him? The...the Sorceress' Knight?"  
"The one and only." I said. Part of me wanted to smirk; I've never seen December lose her composure, especially not to this extent. The other part of me was worried she'd rat me out.  
I cleared my throat. "Can you see why I didn't exactly want this to get out?"  
"Understandably." December seemed a little more coherent. She smiled. "I don't know why I never put two and two together...they circulated pictures of you a few months back and I thought 'Wow, that guy looks like Rage.' Never thought it'd actually be you, though."  
"Well...I hope no one else came to those conclusions." I sighed and sat down on my bed. "Just...look, December, I'm serious when I say that I could die for this. People don't like me, and I can't say I blame them."  
"Well, they can go fuck themselves." December said. She sat down next to me. "Rage...Seifer...what the hell do I _call_ you?"  
"Rage."  
She smirked. "Fine. Rage. You're not a total asshole like ninety percent of the population of this city. That's a plus. Most of the people who'd want you dead don't know you. You're not an asshole. You're...well, I'd almost say a _nice guy_." I wrinkled my nose and she laughed. "Deny it, but it's true. You've got issues, but I've seen you help people that you didn't need to help."  
I sighed. Jacks mewed from under the bed and then hopped on my lap. I petted her lightly.  
"You have a cat?" December looked at me with one eyebrow raised.  
"Jez..." I trailed off for a second, my expression darkening. Then I smiled. "Jez found her and made me keep her. Her name's Jacklyn, Jacks for short."  
December played around with Jacks for a while, much to the cats delight. I watched, my adrenalin levels still coming down from admitting to someone who I really was. Then I saw her pause and look back at me.  
"Does your ex-boyfriend know who you are?"  
"Yeah." I sighed. "It was a long time ago."  
"...Erick isn't his name, is it?"  
I shook my head.  
"What _is_ his name?"  
I smirked in spite of myself. "Squall Leonhart."  
She dropped the cat. 

_"Listen, Squall..."  
"No. Fuck you, get out of my room, go fuck yourself." Squall said, angrily. I could see the beginnings of tears in his eyes, and my heart broke.  
"Look, Squall, we were drunk. It wasn't my fault. She doesn't mean anything to me. I love **you**."  
"Yeah, right. Tell someone who'll believe your stories, Seifer." Squall said. He shut the door in my face. I could hear him crying in his room, trying to keep it quiet and succeeding for the most part.  
As I walked away, dejectedly, I could hear him crying out. "I hate him!"  
My heart broke for real. A tear began, and I wiped it away. **Never again**, I vowed. **I'll never love again.**_

I woke up from that horrible replay with an unusual warmth on my right side. I looked over. Oh, right. December.  
After a little bit of discussion, we'd come to an agreement. I have to say, after a year of holding myself away from sex, it's nice to get back into the swing of things. I found myself thinking of Quistis, and I wished I could have taken all of it back. If only...if only I hadn't gone to that party three years ago; Squall hadn't wanted me to go, he'd had a "bad feeling" about it. I went anyway, and ended up getting drunk and screwing Quistis. I confessed the next day, of course, and he promptly broke up with me. Not that I blamed him, but still. If I hadn't gone to that party...I'd still be with Squall, and I'd have helped him save the world instead of fighting against him. I'd have made SeeD. I know I would have because Squall would have kept me from doing something stupid on my field exam.  
Ah, well. Thinking about the past hurt. Instead I turned to the present, where December was stirring next to me. p> _"Suicide is Painless" is the orignal MASH theme, it was written and performed by Johnny Mandel, NOT, as most people believe, Marilyn Manson. Who sucks ass.  
"Always" is property of Saliva._


	5. Who Will Find Me Under This Mean Sleep?

It's Thursday night, again, and I'm at Diablos. Again.  
Regular job. How boring. Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays. Squall is there too, and if he were speaking to me, I'd say there was tension in the air. He's not, so there isn't.  
Rumor has it that a local folk singer is going to be playing tonight, a chick. This perks my interest; I wonder, vaguely, if it's going to be someone in the group, and if December is aware of what's going on.  
December. At my house. Almost every night. When she could have any other guy, she sticks with Seifer fucking Almasy. I want to question it, but you don't look a gift horse in the mouth.  
The lights dim at eight, as usual, and a girl steps up to the stage. I do a double-take; it's Rinoa. Her dark brown hair has been bleached at the ends and dyed fire-engine red, and she's wearing all-black.  
She sings a few songs, just her and an acoustic guitar, and then takes a breather, walking up to the bar to get a bottle of water. She narrows her eyes at me when I slide it to her, and I see her turn and give Squall a questioning look. Squall grunts and rolls his eyes.  
When Rinoa steps back to the stage, she gestures to Squall, who sighs monumentally and follows her. I quirk my eyebrow at December, and she mouths the word "duet" at me. I smirk. Squall's band steps up behind her, picking up instruments I didn't even realize were there.  
Zell plays a ripping intro, and then Rinoa comes in with her acoustic guitar. Squall opens his mouth and starts singing. 

_ What can we scrape together  
With just the flesh as evidence?  
Handfuls of hate  
And a bittersweet ambivelance _

Rinoa joins in, and I'm surprised; she has a really good voice. I was used to her being a whiny bitch. 

_ Cuz I am pushin' cobwebs  
And I'm foldin' into myself  
Who will find me under this mean sleep? _

Just Rinoa now. I'm ignoring customers, almost mesmerized. The talent. I wish I could sing half as well. Or play guitar half as well. My musical talents were mediocre at best. 

_How could the clouds tease us into thinkin' it might rain?  
How could the need deceive us into thinkin' things might change?_

Squall joined in, and he turns to face me. 

_ I had a mean sleep over you  
And it hurts comin' back to life _

I sense that there might be a rhythm to this song; I think I may have heard it before. But it's beautiful nonetheless. Rinoa stops singing, and Squall sings alone again, looking at Rinoa this time. 

_ You could burn a thousand days  
And I would need no other light  
You could die a thousand ways  
And I'd still love you back to life _

She's looking at him, a small smile reaching her eyes and mouth simultaneously. She joins in. 

_ But my need's rising angry  
And the loneliness like quicksand  
Who will find me under this mean sleep? _

How could the clouds tease us into thinkin' it might rain?  
How could the need deceive us into thinkin' things might change?  
I had a mean sleep over you  
And it hurts comin' back to life  
I had a mean sleep over you  
And it hurts comin' back to life 

Zell does another rip on his guitar; even _he's_ better than I am. I frown as both of them sing again. 

_ I am lost to the light  
I am molded by the memory  
Had to shut down half my mind  
Just to still the space you left behind _

Cuz I am pushin' cobwebs  
And I'm foldin' into myself  
Who will find me under this mean sleep? 

How could the clouds tease us into thinkin' it might rain?  
How could the need deceive us into thinkin' things might change?  
I had a mean sleep over you  
And it hurts comin' back to life  
(Comin' back to life)  
(I had a mean sleep)  
I had a mean sleep over you  
And it hurts comin' back to life 

Squall looks at me once more, and then the band bows. Rinoa claps lightly, grinning. "I want to thank Just Cause, for backing me up, and their lead singer Erick, for doing this duet with me." The audience goes nuts.  
Squall comes back to the bar and orders a vodka tonic. This is unusual enough; Squall doesn't drink, and when he does, he sticks to beer. I don't say anything and hand him the drink. He hands me the money (no tip, the cheap bastard) and sits at the bar, nursing his drink.  
"Wow, that was a really good duet." December says, coming up and wiping part of the bar off. The audience is rapt, eyes and ears only for Rinoa, and so she has a bit of free time.  
"She's a good singer." Squall says. He turns back around, and I see a slight tightening of his mouth.  
"You know her?" December asks. She eyes me, and I recall telling her who Squall is.  
"That's my girlfriend. Her mother was...a very famous singer." A smile? Is that a smile I see on our dear Lion's face? A small one, if not entirely happy.  
"That's amazing." December said. She looked shocked, and then looked at me again. I shrugged and finished making an order, passing it to the customer and ignoring Squall entirely.  
"Rage." Squall says, looking at me. I don't acknowledge that he spoke to me.  
"Did you get my message?" Squall asks, knowing I'm paying attention anyway.  
I nod, and light a cigarette. It's slow right now, and December doesn't give a shit if I smoke behind the bar. She does too.  
Quistis comes up behind Squall. "Miller." She said, sitting next to him. "Can I bum a smoke, Rage?"  
My jaw almost drops, before I recall that I do, indeed, have a cigarette in there. She smirks.  
"I'm just a bass player, Rage. I don't need to worry about my voice." I accept that explanation and extract my pack of cigarettes--Marlboro No. 27's, my favorite brand **(1)**--and hand her one. She snakes my lighter out of my shirt pocket, lights the cigarette, and hands me my lighter back. Squall snorts and drains the last of his tonic, slamming the cup down and removing himself from the bar.  
"Hey, you're pretty good." December says. "What made you decide to play bass?"  
Quistis shrugs. "Dunno, seemed like a good instrument. Rage here taught me." I choke; not exactly a lie. At the orphanage Matron had made us play with instruments twice a week (she claimed it stimulated the brain) and I already knew how to play bass, so I tutored Quistis in it, more often than not getting impatient with her and storming out of the room.  
December's eyes fly open, and she glances at me. I shrug.  
"December, Quistis. Quistis, December. Quisty here goes by Dagger."  
December's mouth is hanging open. I know some pretty famous people, for a drug addict from the slums.  
"_Dagger_." She says. Quistis eyes me. I shrug again.  
"December knows who Erick is." I smirk.  
"Are you two together?" Quistis says, a horrified look on her face.  
"Sort of." December replies. "Since last week."  
Quistis looks pretty relieved at that. No, Quistis, you didn't inadvertantly cause me to cheat on someone _yet again_. Calm the fuck down.  
"December...well, I suppose I should clue you in on a few things." Quistis says. She sighs. "Perhaps tonight."  
"A few things?"  
"It involves your bar." Quistis says. "Or else I wouldn't bother."  
December looks at me. I sigh for the fifty billionth time that night.  
"Dagger, why don't you bring the group over to my place tonight?" I say, cringing at the words. Was I on my side or their side? She smiles.  
"I'll try to get Erick to come by." She winks at me and leaves with her Miller in her hand. December looks at me, horrified.  
"We won't get into trouble. I promise." I said, hoping I can keep that promise. 

It's midnight. The bar is closed; December shut down early so that we could get this shit on the road. We stop at the grocery store and pick up some stuff, and then head over to my room.  
"So what kinda ties you have to these people?" December asks, once we're in my room. I put a CD into the craptastical CD player I have, and then sit on my bed, sighing.  
fine." I breath a sigh of relief as she withdraws a joint from her bag. We smoke it while waiting for the others, and I feel the pleasant relief of pot seeping through my veins.  
"We also grew up together." I said. "Same orphanage. Then we all ended up at Balamb Garden together." I laughed. "Great days. Too bad I can't go back to them."  
"Hindsight is twenty twenty." December says. Her cool grey eyes narrow at me. "Why'd you go to the sorceress anyway?"  
"I.." I pause. Why _did_ I go to the sorceress? It was the question I didn't want to ask myself, the reason I even started doing this shit.  
"I...I wanted to be famous." I said, sitting up. "Remember that movie about fifteen, twenty years ago, about the sorceress' knight?" She nods; of course she does, President Loire of Esthar was in it. "I loved that movie. Matron let us watch it one day--Matron is Edea Kramer, she wasn't all psychobitch then--and I...I just wanted to be a knight for someone, I wanted..." I trailed off, and I notice that my hands are shaking. "I wanted to be known for something great, I wanted someone to treat me like I wasn't a little _kid_..." I'm shaking again.  
December looks stunned. I've never, ever, ever told anyone about my motives regarding aligning with Edea. Not Squall, obviously, but especially not anyone in my current group. Not even Fujin and Raijin.  
"You wanted to be great." She whispered. "You wanted to make something of yourself."  
"Some great job I did." I smoke the last of the joint and put it out in an ashtray. There's a knock at the door.  
December stands up. "I'll get it." She says. 

Squall. Irvine, Selphie. Zell. Rinoa. Quistis.  
All sitting around me, or standing. In Squall's case, completely uncommunicative and crossing his arms.  
I try not to stare, but I really can't help it. Squall's....yeah. There aren't words to describe him accurately.  
"So you're saying...that my bar is the local hangout that you're using to integrate yourselves to this society." December looked upset.  
I'm not listening. There's a song playing on my CD player. I'm listening to that and trying not to stare at Squall.  
_Please help me, cuz I'm breaking down  
This picture's frozen and I can't get out of here _

Believe me  
I'm just as lost as you  
Believe me, yeah  
I'm just as lost as you 

Keep it inside, the image portrayed  
As if I couldn't stand losing  
As if I couldn't be saved, no way  
A small confession, I think I'm starting to lose it  
I think I'm drifting away  
From the people I really need 

A small reflection  
On when we were younger  
We had it all figured out  
Cuz we had everything covered  
But now we're older, it's getting harder to see  
What this future will hold for us  
What the **fuck** are we going to be?  
I couldn't help but wonder if there was a Hyne, and if he was trying to tell me something.  
"I'm only telling you this because I don't want you to get shut down." Quistis was telling December. "I like your bar, I like _you_." She looked at me. "I don't want either of you to get arrested."  
"You're telling me that you're going to bust up our entire group of people? Our friends?" December looked hysterical.  
"Friends?" Zell snorted. "Yeah, friends totally get you high all of the time." He looked like he wanted to cross his arms, or shadowbox, or something.  
"Those are my friends." I said. "Look, I agreed to bring you guys here so you could tell December. I'm not on your side. I like those people. If I get arrested, so be it."  
"Oh, come _on_ Seifer." Squall's voice was sarcastic; I'd never quite heard that tone from him before. "Don't be stupid. You're throwing your fucking life away."  
I rolled my eyes. "Because you care so much, right? Get the fuck out. All of you."  
"Seifer!" Rinoa exclaimed. There were beginnings of tears in her eyes. _Oh, so now **both** of my ex's are going to try to beat me into submission?_  
"Squall _does_ care about what's going on!" Rinoa continued. She went to reach for my arm and I stood up and knocked her hand away.  
"Out." I said. I crossed my arms and stood over her, forbodingly.  
Squall glared at me and took Rinoa's hand and dragged her to the door. The others followed. Quistis looked at me forlornly and shut the door behind her.  
December was in tears. "That bar is my sweat and blood, Rage. I can't let it go down in flames."  
"Fine. You stop hanging out with them." I said, turning on her. "I'll quit."  
"Seifer!"  
"Don't fucking call me that." I hissed. "You can leave, too."  
She closed her eyes, then stood up and slung her bag over her shoulder, storming out of the room.  
I sighed and flung myself on the bed. 

I knocked on Jake's door. Nothing.  
Odd.  
I looked down. And paled. Police line.  
I looked at the door again, and then bolted. I ran, my dark jacket billowing behind me as I ran towards the bar.  
"Oh, sweet Hyne." I whispered. Diablos was up in flames.  
December was standing in front of it, tears streaming down her face.  
"Oh, Hyne, why?" She whispered, sinking into the snow that had begun falling earlier that evening. "Why? What did I do to you?"  
I sank beside her, instinctively covering her up with my arms. She leaned into me and sobbed.  
"My life...my life is gone." She whispered.  
"Shhh...no, no it's not." I murmured, holding her head to my chest and rocking back and forth. I craved cocaine; the rush that made me invincible. Right now I seemed very fallible, very weak, and very unable to handle this situation.  
"Seifer..." She murmured into my shirt. I just held her. What could I possibly say?  
"What are you two doing?" A voice demanded. I looked over and saw Squall, glaring at us. I frowned.  
"What the fuck did you jerks _do_? I asked, harshly. I stood up, leaving December crying on the ground, and strode over to Squall. Backhanded him, which caused him to fall to the ground. His hand was on his cheek, and he stared up at me, amazed to find himself in that position.  
"What did December ever do to _you_?" I yelled, bearing down on him. He scrambled to his feet, and I could see that his fingers itched to draw his stupid gunblade.  
"I didn't burn this bar down, Seifer." Squall said, calmly, considering the circumstances.  
"Then who the fuck _did?_ I screamed, advancing on him.  
"The police did. We tried to stop them." Squall didn't respond. It was Selphie. She walked up behind him. "We even lied, said that we'd never seen December outside of the bar. They didn't believe us."  
I stopped. Looked at Squall and then my hand. I turned back towards the bar, now almost finished burning. "Sorry about that." I muttered.  
"Apology accepted." Squall said, wryly.  
The rest of the group walked up behind him. I could see their shadows on the snow. I didn't turn around to face them. Instead, I walked over to December, helped her up, and began the walk to my room.  
"Seifer, wait!" Quistis called.  
"Fuck you." I said. I continued on, and when I was done doing what I planned on doing, I'd fucking kill that little bitch Jezebel. 

_**(1)** I couldn't help it. This is my favorite brand of cigarettes, so I had to work it in.  
"Mean Sleep" is written by Cree Summer, and the duet is sung with Lenny Kravitz.  
"Still Frame" is written and performed by Trapt. _

I'm not overly fond of this chapter, because it didn't turn out quite like I wanted it to. Any comments? 

Just to let everyone know, yes, this will eventually be a Seifer/Squall fic. I love that pairing. And yes, music is a huge part of this fic because the music industry is full of drugs. I'm a stagehand and I've had entirely too much experience with artists who are almost always on...something. Pick a drug, I've seen someone famous on it. The music industry is heavily entwined with the drug culture, so a definite way for the group to get an in with the drug rings of Dollet would be to become musicians. 


	6. December Promise

_Click. Click. Click._  
I really hate that that's the sound that December woke up to. But hey. you can't have it all, right?  
_Click. Click. Click._  
"...Seifer, what are you doing?"  
I froze and looked at her, prostrate, slightly sleepy, and rather confused, lying on my bed.  
"Don't call me that."  
_Click. Click. Click._  
"Why? That's your name, isn't it?"  
I threw her a dirty glance. "That name's ruined everything I know. Don't fucking call me that, or I'll kill you next." _Oops._ I hadn't intended to say that.  
_Click. Click. Click._  
"What the hell are you doing?"  
"What does it look like?" I demanded.  
_Click. Click. Click._  
"Is that a _gunblade_?"  
I smirked. What, did you think I threw Hyperion out? God, no. That thing cost me more than my life is worth.  
"What are you doing with it?"  
Ouch. So maybe Hyperion _wasn't_ as well-known as I thought.  
"It's my gunblade, Hyperion." I said. Without conscious thought, I reached up and fingered the scar running between my eyes.  
"And who are you killing?" She asked. She sat up, noting that she was still wearing her clothes from the day before. Not her shoes, though. I'd taken those off for her and set them next to the bed.  
"Jez." _Click. Click. Click._  
"What are you _doing_?"  
"I'm cleaning my fucking gunblade, woman." _Click. Click. Click._  
"Why are you going to kill Jezebel?"  
"She was Squall's insider." _Click._ "She's the reason Jake got busted, and she's the reason Diablos burnt down." She winced. I guess she'd managed to forget about that. "She's the reason both of us have to stay inside right now."  
"Why?"  
"It's daylight, and both of us have been pegged as leaving Diablos while it was burning. Also, I'm guilty of striking the squad leader of the SeeD spies."  
"You _hit Squall_?" She sounded aghast.  
I winced. "I might have given him a bit of a love tap."  
She sighed and pulled her knees up to her chin. "Why kill Jez....Rage? Why? What will it solve?"  
"She's the sort of person who needs to die, December. She only lives to serve herself. She doesn't have any idea of what it means to be loyal to your friends."  
"Were _you_ loyal, Seifer? Were you? Answer me, when the fuck were you loyal to anyone in that group?"  
I looked directly into her blue eyes. "I was loyal to you."  
"Oh, _fuck_ you, Seifer. You don't know the meaning of loyalty." She stood up and put her hands on her hips. "If you did, you'd be in Balamb Guarden right now."  
I sighed. "December, sit down, shut up, and do not talk to me about things you don't know the first thing about." I stood up, towering almost a foot above her; a fact which I know didn't please her. "You weren't there, you don't know any of the situation, and you never will."  
"Why not?" She challanged, her hands balled up and her arms straight down. "Why won't you _tell_ me? Not trustworthy enough?"  
"December, I don't want to talk about it." I turned and peered out my window. "It's getting dark. I'm leaving. You can stay or go if you want." Part of me wanted her to stay, but I wasn't going to tell her that, not directly. "Just remember that the cops are on the lookout for you, too."  
With that parting shot, I holstered Hyperion, threw on a trench coat (black, and covering Hyperion nicely) and walked out the door. 

As I stepped outside of my hotel, I had to think to myself; where did Jez live?  
I realized I had no clue where to find her. She never, ever, ever let anyone know where she stayed, without actually seeming suspicous. I wondered how she'd managed it.  
"Rage." I turned around and saw Squall there, leaning against the wall, arms crossed and a blank look on his face.  
"Erick." I responded, coldly.  
"I can show you where she is."  
"How do you know she's who I want?" I asked, glaring angrily at him.  
A small smile. "Because I know you." He uncrossed his arms and pushed himself off of the wall with his shoulder. "Follow me."  
Wondering why I was, I did follow him. He led me out of the crappy part of town; into almost the rich end. Then he stopped in front of a mansion. "This is where Jez lives, Seifer. She's a rich brat."  
"What?" I demanded, my voice harsh in my throat.  
"That's how we found out; she got caught by the police and pleaded with them not to tell her parents; that she could give them information on a drug ring if they wouldn't tell her parents." Squall sighed. "You're not going to get in there without dying, Seifer. They have security, former SeeD's who they've hired for safety. You'll never see Jezebel again, because her parents found out anyway and tomorrow they're shipping her off to drug rehab. She'll stay there until she turns eighteen, and then she might end up in prison." He crossed his arms. "I'm sorry if I stole your revenge from you."  
I sighed, and then turned around and headed back towards the shit end of town.  
"Seifer!" I heard his voice calling me, and I turned, dispite my misgivings.  
"No one blames you." His eyes were urgent, as if he was trying harder than anything to tell me something. "You can stop this if you want."  
I snorted. "This is my life, Squall. I'm not giving this up." I left him there, standing outside of a mansion. My hands were shoved into my pockets and I felt tears of frustration beginning in the corners of my eyes.  
I turned one last time, to see Squall, just as the first flakes of snow started to fall from the sky. 

I stared at the remains of Diablos. With hope, December would get insurance money, and she could reestablish her bar. I would help. I missed Diablos, I missed the atmosphere. And more than that, I think, I missed the security it offered. Now that Diablos was gone, I had no work. No incoming money for Hyne knows how long.  
I turned from the burnt hull of the building, rounding a corner. I could hear whispers coming from a dark alleyway near me, and my eyes narrowed. Quistis?  
"Come on, Rinoa. Who are we trying to kid?" Definitly Quistis. I peered around the corner.  
"Quisty, shut up and kiss me." Rinoa said, leaning towards the taller girl. Quistis looked upset, but she obligingly kissed Rinoa.  
My eyes widened and I ducked back to the part of the building facing the street.  
"Rinoa, Squall is going to find out."  
"Let him find out, Quisty. I love _you_." Another quiet bit, and then she whispered again. "Don't you love me?"  
"Of course, but--" I walked past them at this point, ignoring them. I could care less now, but...no, actually, I couldn't care less, Rinoa was going to hurt Squall and it pissed me off. But I didn't care, I wouldn't let myself care. Instead, I went back to my room, where December was waiting for me. 

"Strange, no blood on you. Are gunblades stain repellant, too?" December's voice was wry.  
"I didn't get her." I said, softly. I sat on the bed opposite her, facing the wall. "She's not from around here."  
"Really?"  
"Squall showed me where she lives." It was almost a whisper. I could feel the blood rushing back into my extremities; I really needed to invest in some gloves. "She's from the north part of town."  
"The north part--but that's where the millionaires live!" December was on her feet. "You can't be _serious_, Rage!"  
"I can, and I am, December." I sighed and lay back on my bed. "It doesn't matter, she got found out and her parents are sending her to drug rehab tomorrow. Squall thinks she'll be there until she turns eighteen, and then maybe prison."  
"So are you killing me next?" She crossed her arms. I laughed.  
"December, you're the only friend I have left in this world. Do you really think I'd kill you for saying my _name_?"  
She grinned, and then frowned. "I'm not your only--"  
"Yes, you are." I whispered, nonetheless in a tone that conveyed to her that I didn't want her to question it. She didn't.  
We sat there for a few minutes, silent. Then I spoke again.  
"So, I've been thinking about the Diablos..."  
She winced.  
"Did you have insurance?"  
A pause. "Yes..."  
"Did it cover fire?"  
"Yes, it did, but the police..."  
"Won't admit to starting a fire. That shit's illegal, they'd all go to prison. Just say it caught fire, you can get the insurance money and open up as soon as you can get it rebuilt."  
"A point." She thought about it. "I'd have to get an incident report from the police..."  
"Which will most likely say that it was accidental." I said. "They wouldn't want to dig their own graves, so to speak."  
"You've got this all covered. What if they made it look like.."  
"Like you did it?" I laughed. "You have an infallible cover, December. You were here with me, arguing. Remember? I can vouche for it."  
"But Seifer, if you go to court, you'll have to admit...who you are."  
I sighed. "I know that." Another sigh. "I owe you that much, I think. I got your bar burnt down."  
"Seifer, you don't have to do that."  
"I'm tired of living a lie, really." I sat up. "Tomorrow's Sunday, but after that, we can go get the stuff from the cops and file the paperwork for you. I think probably a month, with the weather the way it is, tops, for the bar to be rebuilt. Health inspection only takes a day, and you've got an existing permit on the books, so they just have to reissue it. You'll be back in business, December." I grinned.  
"Well, you told me my life wasn't over." She sat next to me and held her hands in her lap. I reached over and covered one with mine, and felt her head rest up against my shoulder. Her fingers entwined with mine, and we stayed that way for a long, long time. 

I gave my room to Scion, who hadn't been busted. He was pretty out of it when we found him. Hell, I figured, why not? The room was paid up for another two months, and I was moving in with December--not in her room, even though we were still lovers, but in a guest room that she offered me in exchange for working the bar for her. She knows me too well; knows I wouldn't take a spare room for pity. I moved my shit over that Sunday, since there really wasn't anything to do that day; all the offices we needed were closed.  
I saw Kelly a few days later. Asriel had gotten busted, but Kelly hadn't, and it was a good thing, really, that the gang had been busted up; Kelly was pregnant. She didn't look too happy about it when I asked her, but she just shrugged. "That's what welfare is for, Rage." I shrugged, we commented on a few things, and then parted.  
Squall and crew utterly disappeared from Dollet. I wasn't surprised, and neither was December, but even a month later I heard disappointed murmurs about the missing band Just Cause.  
I did have to testify to court.  
"Could you state your name, age, and affiliation to December Harbin?" The High Inquisitor, as I thought of him, asked me. Really, he was just the prosecuter, but I had to try to keep myself in a good mood.  
"Seifer Almasy, twenty years old, and she's my girlfriend." I said, keeping my face straight. There was a titter; when the prosecution had called me up they'd just said Rage.  
Even the prosecutor was shocked. "Can you provide proof of identity, Mr. Almasy?"  
"I can." I said, fishing out my ID--my real one, not the fake one that December had gotten for me when I first met her. I handed it to him. It was my old student ID from Balamb Guarden, but it was real.  
"Ahem." I could see him visibly calm himself down. "And where, Mr. Almasy, where you on the night of November fifteenth?"  
"In my room at the City Center Inn."  
"And where was Ms. Harbin?" He asked.  
"She was with me. We'd done some shopping and were talking."  
"And what happened?"  
"We had an argument that lasted for about thirty minutes." This was a teensy stretch of the truth, but not by much. It covered the time that Squall and his group had been there.  
"And she left?"  
"Yes sir."  
"To go start the fire?"  
"No, sir, the fire chief estimates that the fire was started almost when we'd gotten to my room."  
"And why should we believe a notorious liar?" I saw the sneer on his face and wanted to punch him. Instead, I looked at him, blinked, and spoke.  
"I'm not lying, sir."  
"He's not lying!" I heard a voice exclaim. My eyes widened. It was Selphie Tilmitt. She had jumped up from the back of the room. "I was there!"  
"Order!" I could hear the tittering of the people in the courtroom. This was just a regular insurance fraud hearing; no one expected one of the people famous for the saving of the world to pop up.  
"Very well, Mr. Almasy, you can step down." The High Inquisitor said. He looked at the judge. "Could the prosecution call Selphie Tilmitt to the stand?"  
I gulped as I stepped down and sat next to December. Her eyes, too, were widened.  
I was almost afraid for poor Selphie; she looked kind of like Jacks compared to me--a tiny kitten next to a heartless murderer. But she sat at the stand, bravely.  
"Could you please state your name, age, and affiliation for the record?" The prosecutor asked, sweetly.  
"Selphie Kinneas." I bit down on my lip, hard, causing myself to bleed. I swore under my breath, and I heard December laugh lightly. "Age eighteen. I met Ms. Harbin while working undercover in Dollet."  
"And why were you in Mr. Almasy's apartment on the night of the fifteenth of November?"  
"Seifer was keeping my actions a secret by not telling you that I was there." Selphie said. "He was asked by my squad leader, Squall Leonhart, and the headmaster of Balamb Garden, Cid Kramer, not to tell _anyone_ of what occured involving our group." A lie, a bland-faced one, but she pulled it off well. "He was just keeping his promise when he didn't mention my participation."  
"Participation?"  
"Seifer and December went shopping, and then met me at his place. I told--" And I noticed that she was going to make it seem as if only she had been there. "--her that her bar was being used as a focal point in an undercover drug investigation. She got really upset, kinda understandably, and then her and Seifer started arguing about whether he should quit or not." I wondered how she'd learned of that. "He'd just started working there, you know, and he worried that he'd bring the bar down with him."  
No one understood that, but the prosecutor didn't seem to notice. "And what time did Ms. Harbin leave the room?"  
"She left at the same time I did, at about twelve forty five AM, morning of the fifteenth. The fire chief does say that the fire started about twelve fifteen, so it's almost impossible that she was the culprit."  
The prosecutor seemed to deflate; he'd been hoping to catch Selphie in a slip-up. He excused her from the stand, and as she walked past us December shot her a grateful glance. Selphie waved a little, and I could see a ring on her finger. I smirked.  
Thirty minutes later the verdict came in, and it was unanimous; not guilty on all charges of insurance fraud, and the insurance company was to pay double for doubting an honest claim. I hugged December to me, extatic, and I could feel her fingers pressing into my back, clutching at me. "I'm alive again." She whispered, happily, tears streaming down her face. "I'm alive."  
"So am I." I whispered. "So am I." 

_What do you think? It's not the end; I've got a chapter or two left in me. I think this chapter's pretty good for having no music in it whatsoever! I needed to let Seifer be Seifer and not Rage. Do you think I did a good job?  
**Edit:** I went through and changed something. I accidentally called the prosecutor the **persecutor**. Did anyone notice? _


	7. You'll always be welcome

_One month later_

"You look like Hell warmed over."  
I looked up from wiping down the bar, and into Irvine's eyes. It was the grand opening of the brand-new Diablos, and December was so busy being proprieter that I was working the bar for her.  
"Wow, thanks." I said, rolling my eyes. "Must be a step up, then, huh?"  
"You've been doing drugs again." Irvine almost looked disappointed. Almost. I wondered if he had a bet on with Zell.  
"Actually, no, I haven't." I corrected him. "I've been too busy."  
"Right."  
I shrugged. "Believe me or don't believe me. Them's the facts." I grinned. "This is what happens when a person crashes and burns, Irvine." A pause. "Oh, and I haven't shaved in like two days, so..."  
He laughed. "So you're clean?"  
"I don't know." I hadn't thought about it. The past month had been so full of shit to do that I hadn't had time to think about it. My addictions called to me, but I pushed them aside because December needed this, needed her life back more than I needed my self-destruction.  
"Well, you should have shaved." Irvine admonished me, brandishing his finger. "The rest of the group is coming in, and Squall's band is playing."  
"What?" I was angry, no doubt about it; Just Cause and Squall's little undercover mission was what had caused December's problems in the first place.  
"They're playing under their real names; don't you ever pay attention to anything in the outside world?" Irvine rolled his eyes. "Word got out about how Squall had been undercover as a lead singer, and one thing led to another, and...well, they got a record deal." He sniggered. "Headmaster Cid was appalled. No more subtlety for Squall and corps."  
"Really." I wasn't really interested, although I vaguely did wonder if Rinoa had broken the news to Squally-boy yet.  
December walked up. "Hey, Seifer, could you...oh, hi, Irvine." She frowned.  
"I'm with the band." He said, winking. She smirked, then caught sight of my face.  
"Oh, Seifer, I forgot to tell you! Squall's band..."  
"I know." I said. I crossed my arms and shrugged. "Whatever."  
She peered up at me. "You need to shave." She stated. She walked behind the bar and pushed at me. "Go home and shave, Seifer, you're going to scare away the customers."  
"Oh, yeah, _I'm_ gonna scare the customers. Irvine's sitting here taking up the whole bar with _his_ fat ass, and _I'm_ gonna scare the customers." I complained, complying with her orders just the same. December's house (I may live there, but it's still her house) isn't that far from Diablos, so getting there and back didn't take much. I made a slight detour on the way back. I don't know why; I just felt drawn.  
I found myself a few blocks away, in front of a library. Down one side I could see the alleyway that Jake had found me in, over a year ago. I shoved my hands into my pockets and walked into the library.  
"Are you here for the meeting?" A woman asked. she was short, fat, and sort of sqeaky. She was also, apparently, nearsighted, because when she saw who I was she squeaked. "Oh, I-I'm sorry..." I sighed.  
"What meeting?" I asked, attempting to keep my tone pleasant.  
"N-nothing, I d-didn't s-say an-anything..." She was shaking. This was what I had to put up with; this was my legacy, now that I'd come out of hiding and let the world know that Seifer Almasy was alive and well (sort of) and living in Dollet. I sighed again.  
"What meeting?"  
"J-just the NA meeting. I didn't...I mean....they have a meeting and I direct...." She trailed off and backed up. I frowned.  
"NA?"  
"Narcotics Anonymous." Came the scared reply. My frown deepened.  
"What's that?"  
This time she frowned; I could see her forget her fear and go into Instructor mode. "Narcotics Anonymous, silly! It's a twelve-step support group for people who want to get clean from drugs." She pointed. "They meet in that room every Friday night at six."  
"Really." I blinked. "Yeah, I'm here for the meeting." I said, walking towards the door she'd gestured at. I could hear her gasp of surprise. "Thanks." I said, looking back over my shoulder and waving at her. 

I walked out an hour later, and walked over to the lady. She cowered again, but I refused to let it phase me.  
"Thanks." I said.  
"Wh-what?" I wished she'd go back into Instructor mode; it's a lot easier to deal with someone who's being condescending than someone who's in fear for their life.  
"Thanks. I needed that." I said. I smiled, and then walked out of the door, a new man in all aspects of my life.  
That meeting...there has to be a Hyne, somewhere, because something called me to that library, and something made me go right when there was a meeting going on. Something made me choose the one group where no one cared who I was and what I'd done...as long as I wanted to get clean.  
And now, I did. After going, and hearing what everyone else had gone through, I had to admit, my problems weren't that bad. Worldwide fear of my name was nothing, compared to one guy who's children wouldn't speak to him, to a woman who'd lost her job and her house because of addiction. I had it easy.  
I'd only said a few things at the meeting; at first, I was dead-set against saying anything, I figured, hey, I'll just sit here and see what this is all about. But at the very beginning of the meeting, they'd asked if there were any newcomers to the program. One woman stood up and introduced herself (by first name only, although that definitely wouldn't help me; I would never be anonymous for the rest of my life), and they gave her a chip that said "24 hours." They asked everyone else, and I could feel eyes settling on me. Finally I stood up and coughed, and everyone politely gazed in my general direction.  
"My name's Seifer." I said. No widened eyes, no fear. "And I'm an addict."  
I got a shiny new chip, too, and some pamphlets about the program. At the end the guy who ran this, the secretary, a guy named Ron, walked over to me and put a hand on my shoulder as I was getting ready to leave.  
"I know who you are." He said. It was spoken in a kindly tone.  
"And?" I asked him, daring him to make something of it.  
"I think that you have a lot of courage, coming here like this, admitting that you have a problem, to a world that doesn't want you to exist." He smiled. "Keep coming back. It's the only way the program works. You'll always be welcome." With that, he shook my hand and walked off to talk to some other people.  
I shook my head as I walked down the street towards Diablos. I could feel the chip, like a precious golden coin, in my pocket, and I rubbed it between my forefinger and thumb. It was like a symbol of faith to me; if I do my part, Hyne will do his part.  
I walked into Diablos, and instantly December rounded on me. "Where have you been?" She demanded. I smiled; not my usual overconfident grin. A humble, sheepish smile.  
"I had to make a stop somewhere." I replied. "Sorry it took so long." With that, I got back behind the bar and started my job. 

Just Cause came on, and they were wearing their old gear from the undercover days. They all looked great, of course.  
Squall looked gorgeous, there's no denying it. Rockstardom hasn't done anything to change him, he's still as sullen and moody as ever. He came to the bar once they were done and ordered a beer; I smirked and got it for him, glad that he was back to his normal stuff.  
December took me to the back room once things had calmed down a bit. "Where were you, Seifer? Things got kind of hectic for a while, I really could have used you."  
I frowned. "I really am sorry."  
"Where _were_ you?" She asked. I looked at her, and I realized that she was worried that I was off with some...some other woman or something. I laughed.  
"December, I...found something." I pulled the chip out. "I'm afraid that I'll be gone every Friday for an hour, but this time you'll know about it."  
She took the chip from me and frowned. "Narcotics Anonymous? Seifer, what the hell is this?"  
"Something I have to do." I said. I didn't tell her she should come with me; December doesn't _have_ a problem with drugs. She's never been dependant on them, she just enjoys them.  
"You're quitting?" I could see that she wasn't too happy about it.  
"I'm not going to ask you to. That's your life, December, and to be honest, I don't think you really have a problem with it, like I do." I bit my lip. "I just...want things to go back to normal for me, you know?"  
She smiled, a little watery smile, and I knew that things were going to be icy at home for a while. "Just as long as you don't force it on me."  
"I wouldn't dream of it." I promised her. 

"Yo, Seifer!" I groaned. I'd just left the house to go to the store for some cigarettes, and I heard a voice I really didn't want to hear.  
"Yes, Chicken-Wuss?" I demanded without turning around. A small smirk appeared on my face when I heard his angry exclamation at the use of his old nickname.  
"What are you doin', man?" Zell said, once he'd gotten over his little spaz attack.  
"Walking to the store."  
"Yeah? Cool." He fell into step with me, and I devoutly hoped that he wasn't thinking of walking with me.  
No such luck. "We were all kinda wondering where you disappeared to earlier, man. Irvine said you left to go shave and then sorta disappeared."  
I just stared at him. "What? What do you care?"  
Zell blinked. "Dude, just because you're a total asshole doesn't mean that we don't give a shit, you know? When Fujin and Raijin came to the Garden and told us you'd disappeared, things went haywire. Headmaster Cid, Squall, and Rinoa put out the word that Garden wanted to know if you were alive, but you never showed, you know? Things got really fucked up, man. You should feel lucky. Even after all of the shit you pulled, you've still got people who care." This was a long speech for Zell, at least, a long speech that had coherence, and I stared at him, amazed.  
"So where'd you go?" He asked, again. I shrugged, and turned back on my original path towards the store.  
"Not gonna tell me?"  
I didn't answer.  
"What, were you out getting high again?"  
"Oh, for fuck's sake, will you people shut the fuck _up_ about that?" I rounded on him, almost spitting in my anger. "_For_ your information, I was at a _meeting_." I pulled the chip out of my pocket--it wasn't going to leave there any time soon--and thrust it at him. "_Not_ getting high. I have enough shit to deal with, I don't need Mr. High-And-Mighty and his crew rubbing it into my face that I fucked up, alright?"  
He examined the chip. "Twenty four hours? One day at a time? What the hell's NA?"  
I took my chip back and pocketed it. "It's like AA for drug addicts." I shoved my hands into my pockets and continued on towards the store.  
I could hear Zell walking beside me, could see him in my peripheral vision, but neither of us spoke. We shared a quiet, almost friendly, silence, all the way up to the store. Then I coughed.  
"Look...sorry about that. You know, yelling at you." I ran my hand through my hair, knowing that there was a slight blush creeping up my neck. Seifer Almasy does _not_ apologize, especially to Zell, of all people.  
More than anything, I didn't want him to make a big deal about it. And he didn't. He just shrugged.  
"No problem, I was an asshole." A small smile. "Look, I'm gonna tell the others about this. I don't know how they'll react, but I think you can do it, okay? So just...try." And he left.  
I stared at his retreating form. No snort of disbelief, no pressure on me to succeed. Just...acceptance.  
I smiled, and walked into the store, which was warm. Zell had already disappeared in the snow behind me. 

"You know, tomorrow's Christmas." Selphie said, chipperly, the next day. I groaned; didn't these people live in Balamb?  
"Yes, I know that tomorrow's Christmas." I said, sullenly. I've never really liked Christmas; it was a Christmas party that I cheated on Squall at.  
"Irvine and I are having Christmas Dinner at our house in Balamb." She said. "Everyone's coming."  
"Great."  
"Even Fujin and Raijin."  
That stopped me. I stared at her, then shook off the cold feeling that crept over me and shrugged.  
"So?"  
"You should come." Selphie said. Irvine slipped up to her from the crowd behind the bar and snuck his hand around her waist.  
"Hey." He said, kissing her cheek. Such a blatant display of affection disturbed me. Those are two people I really didn't want to think about...you know, procreating. Their kids. THEIR KIDS.  
Sometimes I wonder if there is a Hyne. This was one of them. No creator could possibly subject his children to this.  
"I was just inviting Seifer and December to Christmas Dinner." Selphie informed Irvine. He grinned.  
"Yeah, man, you should come!" He exclaimed.  
"Not happening." I told them. "Sorry."  
I couldn't explain to them, or even myself, why I didn't want to see Fujin and Raijin, and why I didn't want to come to their family Christmas fucking Dinner.  
Luckily, I had an excuse.  
"Bar's open on Christmas." I said, sounding apologetic. They probably heard the false apology for what it was, but they accepted that and moved off.  
_Disaster averted._


	8. Accept The Things I Cannot Change

Christmas was cold.  
I know that sounds like a stupid statement but it was really _fucking_ cold. December had the heater up at full blast and had the fireplace lit. The door was kept shut, also unusual.  
No band tonight, just a jukebox, blaring some pop song that I recalled hearing about a decade earlier. Despite it being Christmas, there were a lot of people in the bar. Either they had no families to go back to, or they did and just didn't care.  
Regardless, it was busy and we were kept so, and my eyes danced with the tips I was making. My rent to December was my work at the bar, but the tips were my money for extras.  
Like cigarettes, munchies, and sodas. No drugs this time. No drugs.  
December was grinning and talking to patrons. I knew she was enjoying herself--nothing December likes better than a rush. She's insane, I think, although I remember the boss to a pizza joint in Balamb being the same. He said once that you knew you were meant for that kind of work if you enjoyed "getting your ass slammed." **(1)** It confused me, for a moment (remember I was like sixteen) until I realized he was talking about the rush and not sex.  
We'd just hit a slight lull--there wasn't anyone at the bar itself, only on the floor--when they walked in.  
"What's going on?" December said, suspiciously. I hit my forehead with my hand.  
Selphie piped up chipperly. "Seifer said that you guys were open on Christmas and that was why you two couldn't come to Balamb for Christmas Dinner!" She set a platter on the bar. "So we brought Christmas Dinner to you!" She looked around at the patrons. "There's plenty, everyone can have some!"  
I felt Fujin's eye on me, but I avoided looking at her or talking to her. Or Raijin. I didn't want to get into specifics with them. They looked great, of course. They hadn't had nearly a year of laying waste to their bodies.  
December eyed me and I gave her a helpless look. She laughed outright, amused at my discomfort, and left from behind the bar to help everyone set up. She sent me to the store (not closed on Christmas) to buy plastic cups, plates, and cutlery. We had plenty of paper towels.  
I got back about thirty minutes later, after several times repeating the Serenity Prayer to myself. I was really fucking frustrated, and I wanted to just kick the entire group out of the bar. Didn't they get it? I _didn't want to see them._ They were a reminder of a past I had given up, a good past that I regretted losing.  
_Grant me the serenity  
To accept the change I cannot change...  
Courage to change the things I can....  
And the wisdom to know the difference....  
_ I ground my teeth as I walked back into the bar; Zell was talking to Fujin and Quistis was talking to Squall about something; Rinoa was standing at his side, arm interlaced with his. Raijin was staring at Quistis and I wondered, briefly, if he was a new Trepie. My heart pounded--in anger--when I saw Rinoa standing so closely to Squall. She was cheating on him. With Quistis. This would be yet another person she'd stolen from him. Quistis, that is.  
My thoughts weren't making any sense. I sighed and set the bag of shit on the bar, which December promptly scooped up and started arranging next to the food. I went about my business of tending the bar; getting beers and such for people. Pretty soon there was a plate of food shoved in my face, and I looked up to see December glaring down at me, a look on _her_ face that told me I had better eat--or else.  
I sighed and accepted the plate, and December took over the bartending while I ate. It was all actually pretty good, and I noticed that Squall must have helped with certain things; I recognized his cooking from our days together.  
I finished the meal (it was good; I hated to admit it to myself, but it was) and got back to business. The drunks were enjoying themselves, and I saw Selphie beaming. Nothing she likes better than _helping people_. I sighed.  
Pretty soon the bar cleared out, and _all_ that was left were the old group and December (and myself). We cleaned up fast; the bar was closing early tonight, at nine, and it was damn close to closing time. December and I had planned on a smallish Christmas dinner, but now we didn't have to worry about that. We did, however, have gifts to exchange, and we wanted to get home.  
"Have you seen Rinoa?" I heard Squall ask December. She shrugged.  
"And Quistis?" Zell asked. "They're both gone."  
I frowned.  
"I think I saw Quistis heading into the bathroom." December said.  
I froze and slowly turned to face the single-occupant bathroom. My eyes widened as I saw Zell walking towards it.  
I knew, without a doubt, what he'd find if he opened that door. I was halfway on my way towards him when he got there, and I'd almost caught up with him when he flung it open.  
"What the _fuck_?" He said, throwing his arms up over his eyes. I slammed the door shut and prostrated myself against it.  
December was there, Zell was freaking out. "Holy _shit_." He kept saying.  
She eyed me, and I knew that she knew that I knew what was going on in there. I refused to move.  
"Seifer, open the door." Squall's voice commanded, coldly.  
"No." I replied. I was really pretty quite calm about it, even when he drew Leonhart and pointed it at my throat.  
"Look, I'm not opening the fucking door, so why don't you just leave?" I said, pleasantly.  
"Holy _shit_." Zell screamed. Fujin was trying to calm him and I narrowed my eyes, only now coming to realize that they must be an item. Especially from the way she was looking at him with her lone eye.  
"Seifer." I could hear Rinoa's voice from inside the bathroom, talking quietly to me through the thin wood. "I think you should open the door."  
"No fucking way." I hissed. "Quistis has hurt him once already, she doesn't need to do it again."  
Squall eyed me, and I swore to myself, knowing he'd heard me and that he was figuring out, from who was inside, and how Zell and I were acting, what had been going on. He paled.  
Instead of opening the door, I left. I stormed out of the bar, not caring one bit at this point whether December would be pissed at me for leaving. I left, and I angrily muttered to myself the entire way back home. The door was locked, and I didn't have a key, so I sat on the front porch, still angrily talking under my breath. Stupid Rinoa. Fucking _Quistis_.  
I heard footsteps and I looked up. It was Squall.  
His eyes had hardened, and he didn't look even remotely happy anymore. Still, he thrust a package at me.  
"We got you something for Christmas." He said, before walking away.  
"Squall--!" I exclaimed, jumping up. I tried to catch up with him, but he was running at this point, and Squall runs really fast.  
I was losing ground, and I gathered the last of my reserves, felt my leg muscles bunch up, and launched myself at him. I caught him mid-stride, in his side, and knocked him to the ground.  
There were tears in his eyes. I haven't seen him actually cry since the day we broke up. I'm sure he has at least once or twice, but...it was a shock.  
"...Squall?" I asked.  
"Leave me alone, Seifer." He said.  
"I--" I trailed off. I wanted to help him, somehow, and I knew then that I still loved him, but Hyne knows I wasn't going to _tell_ him that. Not now.  
Instead I looked away, knowing he hated people seeing him cry. I sat in the cold snow, my ass slowly becoming soaked, and every now and then I would hear him inhale raggedly, or a piteous sobbing sound. I ignored it, and waited.  
"You knew." He accused finally. I sighed.  
"I knew." I admitted.  
"Why didn't you tell me?"  
I thought about it. "I didn't want to be the one to hurt you again." I whispered.  
He sighed and sat up.  
I didn't look at him as we shared an almost charitable silence. Instead, I extracted a pack of cigarettes and lit one, slowly inhaling and trying more than anything to relieve the stresses of today.  
It didn't work, because Squall started crying again. I awkwardly draped my arm around his shoulders, and to my surprise, he didn't shrug them off. He leaned into me and cried more, burying his face in his hands. "Why?" He whispered.  
"I dunno." I replied.  
"I thought..." He didn't finish what he thought, but I knew.  
_I thought she loved me. I thought she'd never hurt me._  
_I thought no one would abandon me ever again._  
Slowly I stood up, and held my hand out to him. He looked up at me in surprise.  
"We're gonna catch pneumonia if we keep sitting out here in the middle of the street." I said, conversationally. He nodded slowly and accepted my hand up, and we walked back to December's house. I saw the box he'd shoved at me, lying haphazardly in the snow near the porch, and I was amazed that it hadn't been stolen yet.  
"You didn't open it." He said. It was a statement, not a question, not an accuzation.  
"Didn't really have a chance." I said. I sat back on the porch, which was clean of snow, and he sat next to me.  
"How can I face her again?" He mused to himself. I laughed.  
"Well, I don't think giving her a scar across the face will be acceptable this time."  
He laughed, slightly. "Probably not."  
We sat there for a long time, I'm not sure how long. It was cold, but honestly, I didn't want to go back to the bar, and this was the only place I had left in the world.  
"You should open your present." Squall said, suddenly. "Irvine and Rinoa picked it out."  
I saw his jaw working at "Rinoa," but I picked up the box anyway and slowly opened it. His eyes weren't on me, but I knew he was watching all the same.  
I undid the final bit of wrapping and opened the box. There, lying inside, was a smaller, velvet covered box. I lifted it out and opened it.  
Lying inside, on dark material, was a Zippo lighter. Etched into it were the words "One Day At A Time." I blinked.  
"Zell told you?"  
Squall nodded. "We all hoped you'd make it."  
"Why would you care?"  
Squall frowned. "Headmaster Cid wanted you to come back to Garden after it was all over...and you didn't. The entire garden had spent the last year hearing about your expertise with the gunblade, and what a good fighter you were, and then we found you here...doing _this_ to yourself." He frowned again. "Let's just say, we were disappointed."  
I snorted, and flicked the lighter open. It was a work of art, as far as lighters go, and I could tell that whomever had forked over the money for it spent a lot of money. Zippos don't come cheap; not real ones, anyway.  
"Tell everyone thanks for me." I whispered. I tucked it securely into my pocket.  
"I'll tell someone." He said. "Just not Rinoa."  
I sighed and put my elbows on my knees, holding my head up.  
"Seifer? Squall?" December was standing in front of us.  
"Hey." I said, shifting to allow her access to the door. She just stood there, hands on her hips, looking at us; Squall miserable because he'd just found out that what he thought was the love of his life was, once again, a big joke....thanks to Quistis....and me miserable because he was.  
She walked between us and unlocked the door. "Well, you two, come in, it's cold outside. Don't want you catching pneumonia or something."  
Squall looked at me with an amused face, but he stood up and waited for me to as well. We both walked into December's house, where the heater was on, the fire was warm, and the owner was inviting. 

December put coffee on and fussed over Squall, which seemed to irritate him and yet...not. I think he just wanted to be taken care of for a little bit, before he actually faced the fact that his life had come to a crashing halt.  
I was amused, having never seen the maternal side of December, who had set us up on some of her recliners in front of the fire. We had blankets tucked around us, and coffee in our hands. Squall smirked as he sipped his.  
"What?" I demanded.  
"Nothing." He said, brushing it aside. He stared into the fire, almost longingly.  
I stood up and walked into the kitchen, where December was washing some dishes. I stood next to her, and she turned to face me, her eyes quizzical.  
I looked down at my gloved hands, opening them and staring at them, almost questioningly. "I just...wish I could help him." I said, brokenly. "What do you do, December, when someone who used to be the most important person in your life breaks?"  
She looked at me, and smiled. "What does your program tell you to do?"  
"Nothing. My program only tells me how to deal with me. Not other people."  
"My suggestion, Seifer..." And she smiled here, a note of finality in her voice. "Is to just love them the best you can, broken or not."  
"I--I didn't say..."  
December smiled. "Seifer, I know you entirely too well to just overlook something like this. You love him, right? Still?" I nodded, mutely. "Then just love him, for Hyne's sake. How hard is that?"  
"December, Squall...lived his life for Rinoa. I couldn't compete with that anyway; besides, I cheated on him too, once. With Quistis." I laughed ironically. "Quistis always steals his love away."  
"I doubt she intends to." December said, kindly. "Here, finish the dishes, I have a present for you, and I have to go get it."  
She'd just broken up with me and yet she had a present for me. I rolled my eyes. Probably just an excuse to get me to do the dishes. I took my gloves off, as well as my jacket, and finished the dishes for her.  
She still hadn't returned by the time I'd rinsed the last plate off, so I dried my hands and walked out into the living room. Squall was still there, staring at the fire, his face flushed from the heat. I smiled at him (which he didn't see) and walked upstairs, towards our rooms. I could hear her shuffling around in hers, so I walked to mine.  
Shopping for December wasn't easy, but I'd finally settled on the right Christmas gift. I believe I've explained that December can fight; well, downtown there was a leather shop and I'd found an exquisite pair of fighting gloves, just the size for December. They had the ancient Centra sign for "December" embossed in them. I think it was meant for someone who was _born_ in December, but it worked. I'd bought them for her, knowing she'd use them wisely.  
December walked out of her room at the same time I did mine, with a small, cloth-wrapped package in her hands. She smirked at me, and shoved it into my arms. I handed her the box containing her gloves.  
"Open yours first." I said, nervously. Christmas gifts weren't something I was really good at, and I wanted to know if she liked them.  
She loved them, and put them on instantly, flexing, and testing the give in them. She pronounced them stout enough gloves and grinned at me to open mine.  
I untied the package and the contents spilled out into my hands, silvery fabric against the roughened calluses of my palms. I gaped.  
"Where did you get it?" I asked, harshly.  
"I saw pictures of you before, and based it off of that." She whispered.  
"You _made_ this?" I whispered. In my hands was an exact replica of my old trench coat, with the red crosses and silvery white fabric. And she'd made it.  
She nodded and smiled gently. "Do you like it?"  
I gulped. A long time ago I'd hated this jacket, hated it more than anything, because it reminded me of my past. But recently I'd come into the knowledge that...my past is the best part of me.  
"I love it." I said, smiling. I gave her a hug.  
She hugged me back. "I'm glad. Now, let's go downstairs instead of keeping Squall wondering where the hell we are."  
"I don't think he's thinking about that." I said, rolling my eyes. Still, I put the jacket on, amazed at how well it fit and how...exact it was. Almost identical to the original.  
We walked downstairs to find Squall almost exactly in the same position as when we'd left him. He glanced over and his eyes widened in shock. "...Seifer?"  
I smiled. "December made it for me."  
His eyes remained on me for a few seconds, and then he frowned and looked back at the fire, his face contemplative. December winked at me and then went back into the kitchen.  
"I guess since you broke up with me..." I said, following her into the kitchen. "This means no Christmas sex?"  
She laughed and threw a dish towel at me. 

_**(1)** This is actually what my boss at Domino's says, and I adore the guy so I had to add it in.  
I also, for some reason, adore the Fujin/Zell pairing. I always have. I think they're just cute together. I'm sorry if no one likes it. :(  
So, what do ya'll think? This isn't the end...few more chapters, I think._


	9. Good Luck

_Now that the world isn't ending  
It's love that I'm sending to you  
It isn't the love of a hero  
And that's why I fear it won't do.... _

-"Hero," Chad Kroeger 

December got a call from Selphie the next day. Squall had slept on the recliner in December's living room, and his group was wondering where he was.  
December answered the phone, found out who it was, and handed the phone to me. "This is your forte." With that, she walked off. I held the receiver up to my ear.  
"Hello?"  
"Seifer? This is Selphie." I groaned to myself.  
"Yes?" I asked.  
"Have you seen Squall? We're all really worried about him." I could just picture her chewing nervously on her bottom lip.  
"Yeah, he's here." I informed her.  
"Oh! Good! We were so worried..." She trailed off. "We can come pick him up..."  
I looked over at Squall, who was staring into the fires longingly. "I don't think that's such a good idea, Selphie. We'll take care of him."  
A pause. "Alright, I'll tell Zell. We're glad he's alright, though." She paused again. "Can you let him know we were worried about him?"  
"Will do." I told her. We said goodbye and hung up, then I went and sat in the chair next to Squall.  
"You didn't have to do that." Squall said, not looking at me.  
"Do what?"  
Squall didn't reply right away, but I waited, knowing that Squall was just trying to get the right words together.  
"Saddle yourself with me. I can take care of myself, you don't have to keep me away from them."  
"Looks to me like you can't take care of yourself." I informed him. "Honestly, I'm not surprised, you've had a fucked up life. But all of us have, and we're better equipped for this than you are." I smiled. "Besides, it's not like it's a huge burden having you here. You've barely said three words in the past 24 hours."  
Another pause. "I need to face her, Seifer."  
"Eventually." I nodded. "You can stay here as long as you need. December already said so."  
"Your girlfriend?"  
"Ex-girlfriend. We broke up last night."  
"...What?"  
I chuckled. "Women. Who understands them?" I stood up, my heart racing, as I walked up to my room. I wasn't going to tell him I still loved him. Nothing I had was worth that.  
Squall and I were just now able to _get along_ again, after our breakup. I didn't want to risk losing that.  
It just wasn't worth it. 

Another day, another week. Squall was still there. He seemed so listless, but December was doing her best to bring him out of it. Every day she made him come with us to Diablos, and every day he'd do open mic night, singing along with an acoustic guitar that December had laying around (She played that and a myriad of other instruments). I think it helped; the music he wrote was pretty good. He has a talent, and always has since before we dated. I wasn't surprised to hear that his group had gotten a record deal; I just wondered what his sudden disappearance was doing for their rep.  
It was about two in the morning tonight. We'd just gotten home from Diablos and settled down into our customary positions in front of the fireplace. December made something to eat and coffee, and then she went to bed. It had been a long day and she was exhausted.  
Squall and I sat there for a while. I glanced over at him and for about the millionth time that week I had to tell my heart to start beating again. He's...there's no way to describe Squall, really. He's beautiful, even for a boy, and something...something about him just makes me want to protect him from whatever it is that life has to throw out at him. I love him, so that's probably part of it...but...  
_Ah, fuck it._ I thought to myself. I settled down in the recliner, leaning back and starting to fall asleep. Occasionally I'd sleep down here; it was warmer by the fire, and the recliner was pretty comfortable.  
"Seifer?" I heard Squall say, quietly. I sighed and sat up, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.  
"Yes?"  
"What's wrong with me?"  
I blinked. "Excuse me?"  
"I thought you'd know...I mean..since..." He couldn't bring himself to say it.  
"I'd know what?" Remember, I'd just been brought from an almost-sleep to answer this question.  
"What makes people cheat on me?" He said, bluntly. He looked away, but he didn't leave, so I figured he wanted to know.  
My heart skipped a beat, and I inhaled. "There's nothing wrong with you, Squall." I said, carefully choosing my words. "Rinoa's just...a bitch. She's stupid to have left you for Quistis."  
"Didn't you?"  
I sighed. Not this argument again. "I got drunk, Squall. If I'd been sober, do you honestly think I would have slept with Quistis? Because I know I wouldn't have."  
"Not an excuse."  
I pondered this. "You're right. It's not an excuse. However, it's an explanation. I would never, without the influence of something that, frankly, makes me into a raging idiot, have hurt you." I sat up in the chair and looked at him. "Do you still believe, that after all of this shit, that I went out of my way to hurt you?"  
He looked away, then peered up at me from underneath his longish bangs. "No, I don't suppose you would." He looked away again. "So...Why, though? Why me? Why does this always happen to me?"  
I snorted. "Squall, you're definitely not the only person who's ever been cheated on twice. You're just possibly the most fucked up one in that situation." This time he snorted.  
I lay back in the recliner and tucked my blanket back around me, once again starting to fall asleep. I was at the point of no return when I felt someone touch my hair; leather gloves that could have belonged to either Squall or December. Part of me wanted to wake up and make sure it wasn't a dream, but the other part of me was certain it was a dream, especially when lips touched mine lightly. Because I knew those lips, and they belonged to Squall. 

I didn't tell anyone about my weird dream; I think it was part lust and part wishful thinking. The next morning, I got up and put a fresh pot of coffee on. Neither Squall nor I does well without a ton of caffiene in the morning, although December seems to be fine no matter how much sleep she got, where she went to sleep, what position she was in...nothing.  
The phone rang. December was still asleep, and although she didn't have a problem with me answering the phone, I usually just didn't. I frowned; Squall was stirring. I didn't want the phone to wake him up, so I answered the phone.  
"Hello?" I asked, quietly.  
"Seifer? Hey, it's me, Ron, from the meetings?" I heard a tenor voice ask me.  
"Oh, hi, what's up?" I asked, confused. Why would Ron, the secretary of my meetings, call me at....I looked at the clock...eleven in the morning?  
"Well, today I'm doing a thing at a rehab center in Timber." Ron said. "I need someone to go with me. I'm the secretary of the meeting, but I need a meeting leader."  
"O...kay...." I said.  
"I was wondering if you'd come with me." His voice was cheerful. "We'd be back by six and I think you have a lot of knowledge to impart."  
"Why me?" I blurted out.  
"Because you've come a long way in two weeks, first of all, and because service is one of the twelve Traditions." I could practically hear the evil grin. "And trust me, it does help."  
I pursed my lips, glanced at Squall, and made a decision. "Sure. Do you know where I'm staying?"  
"At December's house." Everyone knew December.  
"Yeah."  
"I'll be there in an hour. Be ready."  
"I will." I hung up with him and finished making the coffee, and then stood over Squall and watched him sleep. He really was beautiful. I brushed a strand of his hair out of his face. His eyes opened, and I jumped back and yelped.  
"Geez, warn a guy." I said, blushing furiously.  
He didn't say anything about me touching him, but instead looked directly up at me and asked "Going somewhere?"  
I nodded. "I'm gonna jump in the shower real quick, but the guy who runs my meetings wants me to help him out at a rehab thing in Timber. I'll be back by six."  
His brow furrowed, but he nodded. I took a shower, gelled back my hair, and put on a blue shirt, black jeans, and my jacket that December had made for me. Looking in the mirror, I was stunned to find that I looked...almost exactly like I had a year ago. As if...the drugs had never happened. My fingertips found the mirrored surface and traced my jawline, my hair, found my eyes.  
"You cleaned up well." Squall's voice said from behind me. I whirled around and saw him leaning against the doorjamb, arms crossed, eyes shaded. "I had to use the bathroom and you were hogging it up with your weird mirror obsession."  
"Whatever." I said, waving him off. I went to go tell December (who was awake in her room, and sewing something) that I was going down to Timber with a guy from my meetings and I'd be back by six. She nodded acceptance.  
"I'll take care of Squall, don't worry." She said, grinning.  
I smiled at her and shut the door to her room. Starting downstairs, I looked at the bathroom door (shut firmly) and then continued on my way. 

Ron met me in front of the house in his car. He greeted me cheerfully and we started on the road to Timber. It wasn't that long of a drive; Ron has a car that'll get to 120 miles an hour, so we booked it and made it in about an hour. He assured me that this was good because the workshop started at 1:30 and it was 1:00.  
We got everything set up, and then the workshop people from the rehab clinic walked in. I did a double-take; one of them was Jezebel.  
She looked a little better; not as thin and her hair was shorter, cleaner, and brushed. She was wearing a blue tank top and jeans.  
She saw me and looked away, not recognizing me. I wasn't all that surprised. I looked a lot different, better, and I wore clothing indisitinguishable from my Rage persona.  
The workshop started with Ron telling us about his story; how he was in his fifties (which surprised me) and he'd just recently gotten clean and sober within the past few years. His daughters had hated him, his wife had threatened divorce, and he was facing prison. Five years later, he was clean, his oldest daughter had just graduated high school and was considering college, and his wife and him had just gone on their second honeymoon at Esthar.  
"This program works for anyone who wants it to work." He concluded. "If you are here and you don't want to be here, there's nothing I can do for you, no miracle that can turn your life around. The program works for you if you work for it." He nodded. "Next, I want my friend Seifer to share his story."  
I blinked; he hadn't told me about this part. I was on the spot; Ron didn't even know my whole story. The room focused on me, so I inhaled and began.  
"This program is all about anonymity, but that doesn't exactly work for me." I said, shakily. "Most of you probably know me; I was the Sorceress' Knight in the second war." I coughed at the undercurrent of surprise and some disgust that suddenly ran through the room. "I'm not going to try to pawn it off on mind control; I made the decision to side with Edea, and then later on, with Ultimecia."  
"Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be special, to be famous, to achieve greatness. I watched the Sorceress movie that Laguna Loire was in when I was growing up at an orphanage. This was before the sorceress Edea went berzerk; she ran the orphanage. We called her Matron. And she showed us the movie one night to keep us entertained. I ran up to her and told her that I wanted to be her knight. We all sort of knew that she was a sorceress, and that she was special, but she'd never exactly said it. She laughed and patted me on the shoulder, and told me that she didn't need a Knight right now." I shook my head. "So when she offered me the chance, years later, I took her up on the offer. I was really, really stupid."  
"I ended up fighting the same people I'd grown up with; Squall Leonhart, Zell Dincht, Irvine Kinneas, Selphie Tilmitt, and even my ex-girlfriend Rinoa Heartilly. All because I wanted to be someone."  
"When it was all over, I felt..so stupid, so worthless. I ditched my friends Fujin and Raijin in Balamb and headed towards Dollet. I just wanted to forget. Forget that I even existed."  
I had the entire room's attention now, even Ron's, and I felt a little better. Jezebel was eyeing me.  
"I was homeless when I got to Dollet. I slept wherever I felt safe. One day, a guy named Jake found me and took me back to his place, and we got stoned. Weed didn't make me forget, but it made me feel happy, which was something I'd given up on a long time before. Jake also introduced me, a few weeks later, to cocaine. I felt invicinble on coke; I felt as if I could take on the world and win. So of course I was hooked."  
"For a year I was spun, tweaked, or stoned every day of my life. I lived in a shitty hotel that cost twenty bucks a week, and I did stupid side work at a bar for money. I started smoking cigarettes again, and basically, I was just about the biggest asshole on the planet."  
"I didn't go by my real name. Squall had circulated papers around about six months after the war, looking for me, and I definitely didn't want to be associated with Seifer Almasy. I never gave my new friends my real name, but because I seemed so angry all of the time they gave me the nickname Rage." At this, Jezebel's head shot up and she looked directly at me, peircingly.  
I paused. "One day, I ran into Irvine Kinneas. He was doing undercover work as a SeeD in Dollet; all of them were. Squall, Zell, Rinoa, Quistis, Selphie, and Irvine. They were trying to bust up the drug underground, and I was caught up in it. Quistis tried to warn me, but I told her to fuck off."  
I laughed. "I'd made friends with the owner of a local bar, the bar I worked at for money. She got involved in it, and in the end the cops burned her bar down because they thought she was a drug runner. So I helped her rebuild; I felt like it was my fault. For a month I was too busy to do any drugs. There wasn't any time to get stoned or spun. So when Diablos opened again, I was right there with her. She knew who I was, and she hired me as a fulltime bartender. The first night Squall and his group showed up to play; their band they'd been using as a cover had gotten so popular that they had a record deal. I left the bar and just sort of wandered around, and found a library. It was the library where Jake had found me a year before, so I went in."  
"A woman asked me if I was there for the NA meeting. I asked her what NA was, and she told me. I went in. That was two weeks ago." I laughed. "I almost introduced myself as Rage at that first meeting, I was so scared of what people would think, but I just told myself that...I was changing. If other people couldn't change, that was their problem. You know?" I stopped then, and looked around. I couldn't see a single hate-filled face; most people looked thoughtful. Jezebel looked closed-up.  
A few other people shared their stories, and then we did the workshop, which was a fourth step workshop. The fourth step says "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." Ron had us each take a piece of paper and a pen, and list all of the qualities about ourselves that we could think of--both good and bad. Then we'd pick one thing we wished we had--not physical, a quality we wished we had--and write an essay about it. He and I read our essays to the group. Then we invited others to read. If they wanted to.  
I wrote my essay on letting go. I said that I had a problem letting go of the past, and it continually haunted me. If I could just let go of the past, I'd never have gotten involved with drugs in the first place. I wrote about Zell, who always focuses on the present, and how I wish I could do that.  
We were done by four-thirty, and I felt like I'd accomplished something. Ron was right; this service stuff was useful.  
I was standing next to him while he gathered his stuff up when Jezebel came up to me.  
"So you're clean." She said. "...Seifer."  
I nodded acknowledgement.  
She snorted. "Good luck." With that, she walked off, and I was briefly confused. Was she wishing me good luck, or was she being sarcastic? I couldn't tell, but then I shrugged and went back to helping Ron.  
"Old friend?"  
I laughed. "She was Jake's buddy, not mine."  
"Ah. Well, then, she's right where she needs to be." He snapped the case he'd brought the stuff in shut, and we walked back to his car.  
"The past can come back to haunt us." Ron said. "But I find that it's best not to dwell on it, simply because it's done and over with. Asking 'what if' never helps." He grinned. "Focus instead on what the future may bring; if you're lucky, today was a good day, and tomorrow will be as well."  
I nodded.  
"I hope that helps, my friend." 


	10. The Love Of A Hero

_Keepers of the flame  
Can you hear your names?  
Can't you hear your babies dying? _

Momma, they tried to break me... 

-"Hero Of The Day," Metallica I had Ron drop me off at Diablos. It was five-thirty at that point and I knew that December would have already left for the bar.  
I was right. She was there, and Squall was behind the bar, which amused me. I walked up and leaned idly on the bar, eyeing him. He smirked.  
"You weren't here, December had something she had to do."  
"Yeah, yeah." I said, blowing that excuse off. "Whatever. Are you singing tonight?"  
"Maybe." Squall said. He actually smiled, which astonished me. "I like singing."  
I raised my eyebrow and walked behind the bar. Just in time, too, because right about then a rush walked in through the door and I doubt Squally could have handled it. 

"If you're gonna sing, go sing." I said, gruffly, to Squall. I actually like hearing his voice, hearing his songs. They're really good, like I said, and I was feeling kind of tired and I knew that hearing him would cheer me up.  
"Why don't you sing?" Squall challenged me. "You can, I know you can, and you never go up there." And then he clamped his lips shut.  
I stared at him. First, I don't have one iota of the talent that Squall has, musically. Second, the idea had never occured to me, that I could get up there and sing. That was something other people did.  
"I want to hear you sing." Squall said, seriously. He said nothing else, just continued wiping the bar down.  
"Squall, you goin' up?" December asked, walking towards us.  
"No, Seifer is." Squall said, a small, evil smirk playing on his lips. December stared at me.  
"You can sing?"  
"Yes." I said, frowning. "Squall just volunteered me."  
"Well, can you play guitar?" December asked. I nodded.  
She led me up to the stage in the corner and suddenly all eyes were on me. Everyone knew who I was, and while most of them could deal with me being a nonentity behind the bar, apparently, a lot of them couldn't deal with me being in front of them.  
I sat down on the stool and plugged the acoustic guitar in (it had an amp plugin), then stared at the crowd for a second. December shot me a thumbs up, and Squall smiled at me from the bar.  
I inhaled a breath, through my diaphragm like Matron had taught us, and started playing a melody, one note at a time. This was a cover, but it was a good cover, and I knew the song well. 

_ My eyes  
Seek reality  
My fingers  
Seek my veins  
There's a dog  
At your back step  
He must come in  
From the rain _

I fall  
Cuz I've let go  
The net below  
Has rot away  
So my eyes  
Seek reality  
And my fingers  
Seek my veins 

The trash fire is warm  
And nowhere's safe from the storm  
And I can't bear to see  
What I've let me be  
So wicked and worn 

So as I write to you  
Of what is done and to do  
Maybe you'll understand  
Won't cry for this man  
Cuz low man is due 

Please forgive me.... 

My eyes  
Seek reality  
My fingers  
Feel for faith  
Touched clean  
With a dirty hand  
I touch the clean  
To the waste 

The trash fire is warm  
And nowhere's safe from the storm  
And I can't bear to see  
What I've let me be  
So wicked and worn 

So as I write to you, yeah  
Of what is done and to do  
Maybe you'll understand  
And won't cry for this man  
Cuz low man is due 

Please forgive me! 

Please forgive me.... 

So low, the sky is all I see  
All I want from you is  
Forgive me  
So you bring this poor dog in from the rain  
But he just wants right back out again.... 

I cry  
To the alleyway  
Confess all  
To the rain  
But I lie  
Lie straight to the mirror  
The one I've broken  
To match my face... 

The trash fire is warm  
And nowhere's safe from the storm  
And I can't bear to see  
What I've let me be  
So wicked and worn 

So as I write to you, yeah  
Of what is done and to do  
Maybe you'll understand  
And won't cry for this man  
Cuz low man is due 

Please  
Forgive  
Me! 

So low, the sky is all I see  
All I want from you is  
Forgive me  
So you bring this poor dog in from the rain  
Though he just wants right back out again.... 

My eyes...  
Seek reality...  
My fingers...  
Seek my veins... 

I stopped, catching my breath, and I could see the audience regarding me. An applause started, and I smiled, recklessly, glad they'd liked what I had to offer and glad that no one wanted to lynch me. I wondered if I should sing another song, and looked back at Squall, who grinned at me and nodded. I stood up and pondered what song to sing.  
I settled on one, and opened my mouth again. A brief thought of whether I could do this song justice with an acoustic guitar went through my mind, but I shrugged it off. 

_ I'm so high  
I can hear heaven  
I'm so high  
I can hear heaven  
Oh, but heaven  
No, heaven don't hear me _

And they say that a hero can save us  
I'm not gonna stand here and wait  
I hold on to the wings of the eagles  
Watch as they all fly away 

Someone told me  
Love would all save us  
But how can that be?  
Look what love gave us--  
A world full of killing  
And blood spilling  
The world never came 

And they say that a hero can save us  
I'm not gonna stand here and wait  
I hold on to the wings of the eagles  
Watch as they all fly away 

I looked up as I played the breif guitar interlude, and looked directly at Squall as I sang the next part. 

_ Now that the world isn't ending  
It's love that I'm sending to you  
It isn't the love of a hero  
And that's why I fear it won't do..._

He looked startled, but I went back to looking at the crowd, and singing. 

_ And they say that a hero can save us  
I'm not gonna stand here and wait  
I hold on to the wings of the eagles  
Watch as they all fly away _

And they're watching us  
Watching us  
Watch as we all fly away.... 

And they're watching us  
Watching us  
Watch as we all fly away.... 

And they're watching us  
Watching us  
Watch as we all fly away  
Ohh.... 

December had seen what I did, I could tell because when she came up to me as I set the guitar down, she had tears streaming down her cheeks. Tears and December aren't really something I put together unless there's a fire, so I was a little confused, but she hugged me and whispered in my ear "That was beautiful; Squall's in the back room crying."  
I felt bad. "Crying?"  
"He knew you meant that song for him. The last one. It was moving, really."  
She grinned at me and shoed me off. "Go talk to him, Seifer. I'll hold things down out here."  
So I walked through the crowd, smiling at people as they clapped me on the back or shook my hand (that felt nice, though) and found my way to the bar and around to the back room.  
I could hear some sniffing, but other than that, no indication of where Squall was in the pitch-black room, or what he was doing. For all I knew, he could have a cold.  
"Squall?" I asked the darkness, quietly.  
"Over here." He said, somewhere to my left. I walked towards his voice and almost tripped over him, sitting on the floor cross-legged.  
I sat next to him, quiet, not saying anything, just letting him cry. I felt him lean into me, and I draped my arm over his shoulders. He buried his face into my ribcage and continued crying.  
"Sorry I made you cry." I whispered. He sat up and sighed.  
"It's alright." He whispered back, raggedly.  
I sighed. He stood up and I stood up with him. In the dim darkness I could see him looking up at me under his bangs; storm-blue eyes looking up into mine with an admiration I hadn't experienced in years. I felt a pang of fear, but then he kissed me, and all was forgotten. 


	11. Beaten and Broken

_And it comes to be that the soothing light  
At the end of your tunnel  
Is just a freight train comin' your way... _

- "No Leaf Clover," Metallica 

When December found us we were holed into a corner in the back room, in between a keg of beer and crate of tequila. I was holding him, he was holding me, and I think we were probably the most pathetic looking sight on the planet.  
"Seifer, some of the patrons have requested that you sing again." December said, softly. "Squall, I need your help, it's getting sort of busy."  
We nodded, straightened ourselves up, and walked into the front part of the bar, blinking a bit at the sudden light.  
I helped behind the bar for a while, because I didn't know what I would do if I got up there. What could I possibly sing now that I had everything I wanted?  
Suddenly I had to make a decision, because December was pushing me towards the stage.  
"No, no." I said, panicking. She smiled, hugged me, and shoved me to the stage. I probably looked like a deer in the headlights, but suddenly everyone was staring at me. I could feel a slight blush start to creep up my face and neck, but I ignored it and picked up the guitar, strumming it lightly like I was tuning it. The chords reminded me of an oldish song, and I started to pick out the keys to it. 

_ No one knows what it's like  
To the bad man  
To be the sad man  
Behind blue eyes _

True, in this case, it was probably more apt as "Behind Green Eyes," but hey, no one complained. 

_And no one knows what it's like  
To be hated  
To be fated  
To telling only lies _

But my dreams  
They aren't as empty  
As my conscience seems to be  
I have hours  
Only lonely  
My love is vengeance  
That's never free 

No one knows what it's like  
To feel these feelings  
Like I do  
And I blame you 

No one bites back as hard  
On their anger  
None of my pain and woe  
Can show through 

But my dreams  
They aren't as empty  
As my conscience seems to be  
I have hours  
Only lonely  
My love is vengeance  
That's never free 

No one knows what it's like  
To feel mistreated  
To be defeated  
Behind blue eyes 

And no one knows how to say  
That they're sorry  
And don't worry  
I'm not telling lies 

But my dreams  
They aren't as empty  
As my conscience seems to be  
I have hours  
Only lonely  
My love is vengeance  
That's never free 

No one knows what it's like  
To be the bad man  
To be the sad man  
Behind blue eyes 

I looked at the crowd, amazed at the reception this song seemed to be receiving. I mean, other than the whole behind _blue_ eyes thing, this song really did sort of reflect me. And no one seemed to care. Everyone loved it.  
Odd, that.  
Squall smiled at me from across the bar. December made a waving sign at me that I knew meant "keep it up." That meant, of course, that she was selling record amounts of booze to the people who were wandering in off the streets, hearing me sing. 

I'd been playing all night. To my amazement, I enjoyed this, and most of the crowd loved it.  
It was close to closing time, so I excused myself and went to help December and Squall close up the bar. The crowd actually seemed...disappointed.  
We made short time of cleaning and shoeing people out of the bar, and locking up. Walking home hand-in-hand with Squall was great, and December seemed really happy about something. It could have been the exceptional bar sales, but I think she was happy about something else.  
We were all exhausted, and all of us fell asleep very fast; December in her room and Squall and I in the living room. It seemed very appropriate that the last thing I saw before I slept was his face. 

When I woke up the next morning Squall wasn't in his recliner. I wondered if everything had been a dream, but I heard him in the other room, talking lightly. I stood up and went to see what it was all about.  
He was on his cell phone, talking to someone softly. He spotted me by the door and told whoever it was that he had to go, then hung up. He smiled slightly, but not enough to really count as a smile. This is Squall, remember.  
"Hi." I grumbled. Mornings. I don't get along with them.  
He held out a cup of coffee--he must have made some for himself--and I took it gratefully. I sat at the kitchen table nursing said cup for a while, before Squall's phone rang again. He sighed.  
"I'd been keeping it off for a reason..." He said. I was amused--his phone rang to the tone of some music I'd heard at a chocobo racetrack at some theme park once, when I was younger.  
He answered it, rolled his eyes, and stood up and went into the living room. I was a little miffed--was there some secret he was keeping from me? But I got over it as soon as I'd finished the coffee and began to hunt around for more. Caffiene and I are good friends.  
"What was that all about?" I asked Squall when he walked back in. He shrugged and sat at the table.  
It was Friday, so I was going to go to my meeting tonight. Squall seemed resigned to his fate of singing; at least until I got back from the library. His phone rang occasionally all day, and I got the idea he was planning something. Something that I probably wouldn't be pleased about.  
December seemed to know something about it, but when I questioned her she just smiled and said "You're imagining things, Seifer."  
Not exactly an answer I wanted to hear. 

It was cold outside, colder than it had been in a while so when I walked outside wearing my coat I had it buttoned up and my hands shoved in my pocket. My hair had been trimmed--December did it for me--and slicked back. I looked pretty much like my usual self.  
Walking to the library was almost pleasant, despite the cold, and I felt happy. For the first time in a long time, I was just happy, for no reason other than things seemed to be going right for once.  
At the meeting I talked about how Squall seemed to have forgiven me for the past, and how the townspeople seemed to be forgiving me for my actions. Ron and the others were very congratulatory, and in general it was just a good meeting.  
I was walking back to the bar; it was dark at this point, because of daylight savings time, and even colder than before. It had started to snow lightly and drifts of the stuff were piling down around me as I shuffled to the bar, dampening noise and softening corners.  
I was really in a very good mood. Until, you know, the sharp pain at the back of my head. I gave a muffled cry, feeling hands grab my shoulders, and then everything was dark. 

THIRD PERSON: 

"Squall, have you seen Seifer?" December asked, looking concerned. Her pretty features were twisted in a look of worry.  
Squall shook his head, bangs trailing in his eyes. "No, I haven't. Should we be worried?"  
December shrugged. "Seifer's a big boy, he can take care of himself. I'm just...well, he has a lot more enemies in this town than he thinks, you know?"  
Squall nodded. "Well, we'll see what happens. Maybe he went out for coffee with his friends or something." December bit her lip and nodded. She knew something was up, she could tell; Seifer wouldn't go out after the meeting. He felt like she needed him here, and it was a sense of responsiblity that he had that he wouldn't just not let her know where he was.  
They waited thirty more minutes and Squall was just about ready to go looking for him when Irvine and Zell burst through the door carrying Seifer.  
Squall looked up; the group minus Quistis and Rinoa was supposed to have come here tonight to hear Seifer sing and play; they weren't supposed to have...  
He looked again. Seifer was unconscious between the two men, and seemed to be bleeding. December abandoned the bar, and so did he, to run to Seifer.  
"What happened?" December cried.  
"I think he got jumped." Zell said, heaving the man onto one of the smaller tables nearby. "There's blood all over the back of his head and his right arm is broken."  
Squall frowned. "He left Hyperion at home; he wouldn't have stood a chance without it."  
"Man, he has bruises all over." Irvine said. Selphie had walked in behind them and looked immeasurably sad, brushing some of Seifer's messed-up hair out of his comotose face.  
"Let's get him to the back room." Squall said, authoritively, not trying to let the beating in his heart override common sense. He picked up Seifer by the shoulders and gestured for Zell to get him by the feet, and together they got him laying down on a counter in the back room. December flicked on a light, dazzling them after the darkness.  
"He's just knocked out." Selphie informed them after doing a thorough investigation. "Anyone got a phoenix down?"  
December investigated the first aid kit and found an old one, it's expiration date long past. "It might work." She said, doubtfully.  
"Who's tending the bar?" Squall asked, automatically. December smiled.  
"Fujin and Raijin." She grinned full-out. "They walked in right after Selphie, and it really upset them that Seifer was all comotose, so I asked them to watch it for me."  
Squall had a vision of Fujin asking a patron "WHAT DRINK?" but brushed it aside. He held his hand out for the phoenix down and examined it's contents.  
"It seems alright." He said, popping the cork out and forcing the entire bottle down Seifer's throat. After a few moments Seifer groaned and turned his head.  
"He's coming around." Irvine said.  
"Ow." He murmured, his left hand going to his forehead. "Quiet, cowboy geek, I've got a hangover."  
December started laughing, even as Irvine frowned. "He's alright." She said. "He's gonna be alright." 

Oh. _Ow._ This was easily the worst pain ever, even more than when Squall's people beat me when I was defending Edea. I ached, and I had a feeling that the arm I wasn't using was broken; I could feel the sharp, stabbing pain going down to my fingers and up to my shoulder, running through my veins and lighting my nerves on fire.  
Finally I opened my eyes and I saw a group huddled around me; Irvine, Zell, Squall, December, and Selphie. I blinked and looked at them.  
"....It's not a hangover, huh?" I asked. Zell shook his head, unusually solomn.  
Selphie had a few cure spells on her and graciously used them to mend my broken arm and the bit on the back of my head; Squall, Irvine, and Zell left to go fight a monster and draw some more from it. I sat there in the back room, flexing my arm experimentally.  
I tried hard to think about my last conscious memory. I'd been walking home from the NA meeting, going to the bar...it had been snowing...  
And I'd felt a sharp pain on the back of my head, and people grabbing at me. I stared at the wall, agast. I'd been jumped?  
"Picked up on it, huh?" Selphie said. I looked at her at the sound of her voice; December had gone up front to calm the patrons down so it was just her and I.  
She had tears in her green eyes, and I was momentarily confused. Then I shrugged the confusion off. Selphie is just in general a rather nice and compassionate person, so seeing anyone in my condition would probably upset her.  
Surprise, surprise. "I thought they'd be able to get over it." She said, shaking her head sadly. "You know, the whole sorceress' knight thing. If _we_ got over it, the ones who had to fight you, you'd think _they'd_ be able to get over it."  
"I guess not." I said, slowly.  
"When we found you all slumped over, we thought you were dead." Selphie said, sadly. "Irvine cast scan and you were just knocked out, but we were scared. Squall'd _really_ flip out if you just up and died on us."  
I looked down. The guys, whoever they'd been, had really beat the fuck out of me, but luckily the jacket that December had made me was still in one piece, if a little bloody. I laughed, shortly. I was worried about my jacket, and I could have died.  
"I don't think Dollet wants me." I said.  
"I don't think any city does." Selphie replied. She sighed. "It's so sad!"  
"Yeah, well, that's life." I shrugged out of my jacket and walked over to the sink, turning on the cool water and trying to get the majority of my blood out of the collar.  
I was actually pretty successful; the blood hadn't dried, there was soap on the sink, and I only used cold water so the stain wouldn't set. December came back while I was doing it and smiled at me, then dug around in the cleaning cabinet and came up with some color safe bleach that she used to wash stains out of her clothes on the rare occasion that she spilled alcohol on them.  
That did the trick, and I was left holding my clean, damp jacket. I smiled and tossed it on the coat hook back there to dry. Then I sat in one of the chairs the group had drug back there and regarded Selphie.  
My memories of her are vague at best. I remember being rather annoyed at her and Irvine's exclusive friendship at the orphanage, and I remember thinking that they were so cute it was sickening. I remember beating the crap out of Irvine for teasing Squall over something while Selphie watched and shattered glass with her squeals, which eventually brought Matron over to ground me for a week.  
At Garden, I recall her being a messenger on my last failed SeeD attempt and fighting off some monster with Zell and Squall. After that, only seeing fleeting glimpses of her during battles. Really, I don't feel like I know her at all.  
And yet here she was, so upset over _my_ plight.  
_What the fuck?_ I thought to myself. Really, this group was entirely too nice to me. I'd tried to kill them, and here they were...forgiving me.  
Forgiveness granted, without even being asked for.  
Suddenly I wondered if there was a Hyne. Was he trying to tell me something?  
"Why?" I asked Sephie. I suddenly realized by the clueless look on her face that no, she was not telepathic, and no, she had not a fucking clue of what I was talking about.  
"Why do you guys try so hard to _help_ me?" I enhanced. "I tried to _kill_ you."  
She looked distressed. "Are you trying to kill us _now_?" She asked. I shook my head no.  
"When what's the problem? You're not that person anymore. I think the person who you are now's a pretty decent guy!" She said. She was trying to sound exhuberant, but the tears still lingered in her eyes. "All of us do, even Zell. And Irvine forgives you for beating him up when we were with Matron." Selphie added.  
I frowned; I'd hoped no one would remember that.  
"Seifer, I'm really not good at explaining stuff." Selphie said, urgently. "We want to like you, we want to believe that you're not a total jerk. We're trying." She paused. "We also want to like you for Squall. You know? We want him to feel like we don't hate the guy he loves."  
I looked away. Squall.  
Almost as if by talking about him he was summoned, there he was, with Irvine and Zell in tow, at the door. Zell shot us a thumbs-up and I gathered that they'd gotten the cure spells they wanted.  
"Curaga." Squall said. He cast the spell from where he was and instantaneously I felt about ten times better. I grinned.  
"Thanks." I said, indicating Irvine and Zell as well. I knew how much of a pain in the ass some of the monsters around Dollet could be.  
"No problem." Zell said. He looked like he wanted to shadowbox.  
"Those guys aren't gonna know what to do." Irvine commented. "They thought they'd leave you for dead, and that you'd have to stay in a conventional hospital where it takes months or years to heal right, even if you did get rescued." Irvine grinned. "Imagine the looks on their faces when they see you walking around, good as new. They didn't expect your buddies with paramagic to show up."  
I looked at Selphie, and she looked at Squall, contemplatively.  
"I'm going to go help December." I said, standing up. I walked out and left them to talk about whatever it was they were going to do. 

Imagine my shock when I walked out and I saw Fujin and Raijin helping December. Not that she really needed it, no one was playing and the crowd was kind of small.  
"Yo, Seifer!" Raijin said, waving. He was pouring a beer for someone, rather clumsily. "Glad you're up and alive, ya know?"  
I blinked.  
Fujin nodded at me. "We're all glad." She said. I looked at her in astonishment. The association with Zell must be mellowing her out.  
She smiled, adjusted her eyepatch, and served the drink she was holding to whomever had ordered it.  
"Hey!" Selphie said, poking her head out. "It's not very busy out here, is it?" Whatever decision it was the people behind the bar had needed to come to had obviously been decided, but they showed no indication as they filed out.  
"No, it's not usually when someone's not playing." December said, boredly.  
"Well, let's play, then!" Selphie said, all of her former chipperness back in full force.  
"We don't have a bass player." Squall intoned.  
"Seifer can play bass!" Selphie said, excitedly. She turned to me. "Will you fill in for us? It's been so boring without playing!"  
Zell was nodding as well and December's eyes brightened. Having Just Cause, the now popular and famous band, play at her bar would definitely bring in some dough.  
Squall must have seen the doubt in my eyes, be cause he looked directly at me and said "The people here like to see you play, and they like to see you sing, and _fuck_ those assholes who jumped you."  
Everyone stared at Squall. I'd heard him say "damn" before, but...that was about it.  
"That settles it!" Selphie said, jumping excitedly. "We have our stuff in the Ragnorak, and you can borrow our bass, Seifer!" She grabbed my by the wrist and dragged me out of the bar. I shot a look at December, but she just wiggled her fingers in a goodbye. 

_"Behind Blue Eyes" belongs to the Who. Not me._


	12. Little Men

"I don't have a choice in this at all?"  
"Nope."  
I sighed as I settled Quistis' guitar strap around my shoulder and tuned it. It was sweet little piece and easy to use, but I still wasn't sure about this. I think Dollet made it perfectly clear that they don't want me around.  
We went through a few songs real quick, Squall showing me the music which I instantly memorized. Then we were walking back towards the bar with our stuff, all of us also carrying a piece of Selphie's drum set. Squall was wearing his usual getup, with the crisscrossing belts and white T-shirt and his really weird jacket. Zell was also in his usual getup. However, Selphie was wearing her stuff from the undercover days, the plaid skirt and knee-high boots. I was wearing a black Tshirt and black pants, like I normally did. Irvine was playing stagehand and carrying most of Selphie's stuff.  
When we got back in, we set up, to the interest of the crowd, which grew slowly. I finished helping Selphie and went back to the bar for a last bit of confidence: a quick shot of tequila should do the trick.  
"Uh uh, can't have you doing that." Selphie said, chipperly. "It'll ruin your voice!"  
"Since when am I singing?" I asked, panicking.  
"Since forever!" Selphie said. She pushed the tequila away from me and went into the back room, handing me my now-dry jacket. "Put it on, it makes you!"  
Then we went to the stage. December dimmed the lights, and we started. 

The first song was a cover, and Squall told me as he tuned his guitar that he wanted me to sing it.  
"No." I said.  
"Yes." He replied, insistant. I sighed defeat as we struck up the first notes.

_...And it feels right this time  
On this crash course with the big time  
Pay no mind to the distant thunder  
Beauty fills his head with wonder, boy... _

...Says it feels right this time  
Turn around, found new highlight  
Good day to be alive, sir  
Good day to be alive, he said....

...Then it comes to be that the soothing light  
At the end of your tunnel  
Was just a freight train comin' your way....

As I recalled, this song had been done with an orchestra...so Squall expertly plucked the notes that the orchestra would be playing. It sounded really awsome.

_Then it comes to be that the soothing light  
At the end of your tunnel  
Was just a freight train comin' your way, yeah _

...Don't it feel right like this?  
All the pieces fall to his wish  
Sucker for that quick reward, boy  
Sucker for that quick reward, they say....

...Then it comes to be that the soothing light  
At the end of your tunnel  
Was just a freight train comin' your way, yeah....

Then it comes to be that the soothing light  
At the end of your tunnel  
Was just a freight train comin' your way, yeah

It's comin' your way

It's comin' your way....  
Yeah! It comes!

Yeah, then it comes to be that the soothing light  
At the end of your tunnel  
Was just a freight train comin' your way, yeah

Then it comes to be, yeah  
Then it comes to be, yeah  
Then it comes to be, yeah  
Then it comes to be, yeah

Then it comes to be, yeah  
Then it comes to be, yeah  
Then it comes to be, yeah  
Then it comes to be, yeah!

I looked at the crowd, who was going nuts. I had never, in my entire life, felt so alive. I looked at Squall, who smiled at me.  
We played a few of their songs and then left for a breif interlude, where I had the aforementioned shot of tequila and sat in the back room. December came and got me when we were ready to go again.  
More of their songs, including one that Quistis had written. Squall sang it. I have a feeling it was originally a poem. It was soft, breathy, and very unQuisty-like.

_The blood in my veins  
Runs through crystal clear  
It has no purpose to me  
It serves me nothing to have it here  
Nothing. _

My eyes are blank and staring  
My heart is heavy and cold  
No purpose to a life worth living  
To be young and still so very old  
No purpose.

Loves but unloved  
Happy yet sad  
I'll never know what it's like  
To have what I had  
Never.

No purpose in living  
No reason to go on  
I hate to think my life  
Was nothing but wrong  
And it was.

So I take this knife  
And run it across my skin  
Never again will I be  
In the pain that I'm in  
Never.

I was awed as we took another break.  
I downed another shot of tequila, shakily. This was amazing, and scary.  
"Okay, Almasy, explain to me how the fuck you're still alive?" A gruff voice said from above the bar. I looked up into grey eyes. I frowned.  
"Pardon?" I asked, rather politely, I thought.  
The guy was the kind of person who'd fit into any crowd. He had brown-grey, nodescript hair, a boring face, and was just in general....average. In every aspect. Still, I made myself memorize what he looked like.  
"I saw them beat you up within an inch of your life." The guy got real close-like, and my frown deepened. "You shouldn't be alive."  
I felt a moment of panic. This guy...this total _asshole_...had been in with the fuckers who'd beaten me up. I felt my fist clench and restrained the urge to throttle the little cocksucker.  
"Hey, Seifer!" Selphie said, chipperly, walking up to me. I relaxed and raised my eyebrow.  
"Squall says we're doing some covers next, and he wants you to sing them."  
I blinked. "Excuse me?"  
"He says it's all stuff you should know, things he knows you like. Metallica, the Offspring, things like that." Selphie said, grinning. She took my hand and started dragging me towards the stage.  
The guy gave me a look. "Better watch it, Almasy." He said, lowly. "Mr. Leonhart and his friends can't watch over you all the time." With that, he melted into the crowd.  
I scowled as Selphie led me onstage.

Squall thrust a small list at me, and I gaped. Six covers? SIX? And I'd just taken a shot of tequila.  
"Squall..." I said, my nerves already frayed.  
He shook his head and began tuning for the first song. Which, appropriately enough, I thought, was "Kick Him When He's Down," by the Offspring. I gave an amused snort. Not Just Cause's normal kind of music, either.  
We finished tuning and Zell gave a few cue notes before we ripped into the song. I stood at the mic and started singing.

_"Hey, you're a riddle," I say  
As I move aside  
Like I really need your advice  
You won't leave me alone  
Little men try but don't get a lot done_

I gave a look and found the man who'd confronted me at the bar before. He glared at me as I sang of little men, aiming the lyrics directly at him and whatever friends he'd coerced into attacking me from behind.

_Livin' in sin don't move me either way  
I get a feeling you're so vague  
Like I said before  
Little men come when anything goes _

_When the rain comes  
I sit home and pray  
Make it all numb  
I wish it all away  
All I really need is  
Just somewhere to hide away _

Squall and Zell joined in now, doing the backup vocals.

_(Kick him when he's down)  
Here alone I'll put up and fight  
(Kick him when he's down)  
Beat me all the way, I'll take it all night  
(Kick him when he's down)  
Hey, don't worry, I'll get along home alright _

_Hey, everybody's supposed to be the same  
So how come they're so lame?  
Like I did before--  
I keep on running back into that wall _

_Awake in a dream  
Get up, and go to work  
But I'm feeling like such a jerk  
Like I said before  
Little men come when anything goes _

_When the rain comes  
I sit home and pray  
Make it all numb  
I wish it all away  
All I really need is  
Just somewhere to hide away _

_(Kick him when he's down)  
Here alone I'll put up and fight  
(Kick him when he's down)  
Beat me all the way, I'll take it all night  
(Kick him when he's down)  
Hey, don't worry, I'll get along home alright  
It's alright _

_"Hey, you're a riddle," I say  
As I move aside  
Like I really need your advice  
You won't leave me alone  
Little men try but don't get a lot done _

_Livin' in sin don't move me either way  
I get a feeling you're so vague  
Like I said before  
Little men come when anything goes _

_When the rain comes  
I sit home and pray  
Make it all numb  
I wish it all away  
All I really need is  
Just somewhere to hide away _

_(Kick him when he's down)  
Here alone I'll put up and fight  
(Kick him when he's down)  
Beat me all the way, I'll take it all night  
(Kick him when he's down)  
Hey, don't worry, I'll get along home alright_

_(So believe me)  
Here alone I'll put up and fight  
(Believe me)  
Beat me all the way, I'll take it all night  
(Believe me)  
Hey, don't worry, I'll get along home alright  
Alright  
It's alright _

I gave one last glance at the asshole from before, and then promptly ignored him the entire night.  
Next up was one of Squall's songs, which he sang, of course. I was getting some good vibes from the audience, and some even better vibes from December, who kept giving me a thumbs up whenever I looked her way. I grinned. I was up again.  
This next song was a song I wasn't too familiar with, which sucked because I had the opening lines as bass player and as singer. But I suffered through it; the lyrics meant something to me, and apparently to Squall too.

_Please help me, cuz I'm breaking down  
This picture's frozen, and I can't get out  
Please help me, cuz I'm breaking down  
This picture's frozen, and I can't get out of here... _

_Believe me  
I'm just as lost as you  
Believe me, yeah  
I'm just as lost as you _

_And every time I think I've finally made it  
I learn I'm farther away  
Than I have ever been before  
I see the **clock**, and it's ticking away  
And the hourglass empty  
What the **fuck** do I have to say? _

_Please help me, cuz I'm breaking down  
This picture's frozen, and I can't get out  
Please help me, cuz I'm breaking down  
This picture's frozen, and I can't get out of here... _

_Believe me  
I'm just as lost as you  
Believe me, yeah  
I'm just as lost as you _

_Keep it inside  
The image portrayed  
As if I couldn't stand losing  
As if I couldn't be saved, no way  
A small confession, I think I'm starting to lose it  
I think I'm drifting away  
From the people I really need  
A small reflection  
On when we were younger  
We had it all figured out  
Cuz we had everything covered  
Now we're older, it's getting harder to see  
What this future will hold for us  
What the **fuck** are we going to be? _

_Please help me, cuz I'm breaking down  
This picture's frozen, and I can't get out  
Please help me, cuz I'm breaking down  
This picture's frozen, and I can't get out of here... _

_Believe me  
I'm just as lost as you  
Believe me, yeah  
I'm just as lost as you.... _

_Lost....  
I'm just as lost as you, oh yeah  
What am I going to do? _

_I'm afraid I'm falling farther away...  
I'm falling farther away...  
I'm falling farther from where I want to be _

_I'm afraid I'm falling farther away...  
I'm falling farther away...  
I'm falling farther away! _

_Please help me, cuz I'm breaking down  
This picture's frozen, and I can't get out  
Please help me, cuz I'm breaking down  
This picture's frozen, and I can't get out of here... _

_Believe me  
I'm just as lost as you  
Believe me, yeah  
I'm just as lost as you.... _

I was briefly astonished at Selphie's drumming ability; you wouldn't think a chick like her could keep up with us, but if anything, she was one step ahead, keeping everything together. I was astonished at the entire band's ability to work together; even I, when put with such adept musicians, was keeping up and doing well.  
December brought us some water bottles and we drank. The bar was getting kind of wild. I realized that...the people showed up because of us. Because they'd heard that Just Cause was playing here. I grinned.  
Squall pointed to a song on the list and then at me, and I nodded. We tuned up and he leaned over  
"Zell and I will support you." He whispered, winking. I sighed, but admitting to myself that I liked singing, liked being the focus of attention, and liked being up here despite the fact that there was a group of assholes out there who wanted to kill me, I struck the first note.

_Breathe in right away  
Nothing seems to feel this space  
I need this every time  
So take your lies, get off my case _

_Some day I will find  
A love that flows through me like this  
And this will fall away  
This will fall away _

_You're getting closer  
To pushing me off of life's little edge  
Cuz I'm a loser  
And sooner or later you know I'll be dead  
You're getting closer  
You're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall  
Cuz I'm a loser  
I'm a loser, yeah _

_This is getting old  
But I can't help these chains that I hold  
My body's growing cold  
There's nothing left of this mind or my soul  
Addiction needs a pacifier  
The buzz of this poison is taking me higher  
And this will fall away  
This will fall away _

_You're getting closer  
To pushing me off of life's little edge  
Cuz I'm a loser  
And sooner or later you know I'll be dead  
You're getting closer  
You're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall  
Cuz I'm a loser  
Well, I'm a loser _

_You're getting closer  
To pushing me off of life's little edge  
Cuz I'm a loser  
And sooner or later you know I'll be dead  
You're getting closer  
You're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall  
Cuz I'm a loser, yeah _

_You're getting closer  
To pushing me off of life's little edge  
Cuz I'm a loser, baby  
And sooner or later you know I'll be dead  
You're getting closer  
You're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall  
Cuz I'm a loser  
Yeah... _

I leaned over to Squall. "One more song, and I have to sing it." I said. "One more cover that I'll do."  
He frowned. "What song?"  
I told him, and he smiled, nodded, and told the others. They all seemed to think it was appropriate, too.

_Why drink the water from my hand?  
Contageous as you think I am  
Just tilt my sun towards your domain  
Your cup runneth over again _

_Don't scream about  
Don't think aloud  
Turn your head now baby  
Just spit me out _

_Don't worry about  
Don't speak of doubt  
Turn your head now baby  
Just spit me out _

_Why follow me to higher ground?  
Lost as you swear I am  
Don't throw away your basic needs  
Ambience and vanity _

_Don't scream about  
Don't think aloud  
Turn your head now baby  
Just spit me out _

_Don't worry about  
Don't speak of doubt  
Turn your head now baby  
Just spit me out _

This was the part of the song that I thought was appropriate, and I looked at December behind the counter, letting her know that this was for her, and this Hyneforsaken month I'd just endured.

_December promise you gave unto me  
December whispers of treachery  
December clouds are now covering me  
December songs I'll no longer sing _

_December promise you gave unto me  
December whispers of treachery  
December clouds are now covering me  
December songs I'll no longer sing _

_Don't scream about it  
Don't think aloud  
Turn your head now baby  
Just spit me out _

_Don't worry about it  
Don't speak of doubt  
Turn your head now baby  
Just spit me out _

We didn't say anything, just set our instruments down and left the stage. It was almost one at this point, and we were all tired.  
December ran up to me and hugged me; tears were streaming down her face. "I got it." She whispered to me. "I understand."

_"No Leaf Clover" was written and produced by **Metallica**.  
"My Life" is an original, emo, crappy poem by **me**. Don't steal it, I'll murder you.  
"Kick Him When He's Down" was written by the **Offspring**, who are the most awsome band on the planet. Go buy their CD's.  
"Still Frame" is copyright **Trapt**.  
"Loser" is by **Three Doors Down**.  
"**December**" is copyright **Collective Soul**, and is also the song I got the name of this fic from. _

_I know, I kept everyone waiting for weeks and weeks for what? SONG LYRICS??? But the next one will only have one lyric in it, I promise. And it'll be good, long, and hard....well, maybe not hard...wow, can you tell where my mind has been? I was just over at adult fan fiction dot net (had to spell it out cuz edits it out, the bastages)...guess that explains it. I'm sorry this chapter sucks, but it's a lead-in, and I felt that was a good place to end._

_Tasha_


	13. Give me a chance to shine and I'll blind...

_I heard you're losing your mind, shit, I've been lost mine  
But I still stay focused, through good and bad times  
Compare your worst fucking day to my best fucking night  
Bet my last red cent that you couldn't stand the sight  
From loss of loved ones to a life of drug funds  
They counted me out, for what? I'm not done  
Give me a chance to shine, and I'ma blind the world  
Take a stand and be the voice of those who cannot be heard_

"DJ DJ," The Transplants

Sighing, I threw my trademark trenchcoat, the one that December had made me, onto the chair. Squall frowned and picked it up, neatly and anal-retentively placing it on a hook behind the door of our apartment.  
I'd never been so happy to see a place I called home. Never. Just Cause had just finished a whirlwind tour and we'd just flown into Esthar that night. Squally-boy apparently had an in in Esthar; it just figured that Squall's father was the dopey President. Anyway, we had a really nice place near the Presidential Palace. Zell lived in Balamb, Selphie in Trabia.  
The group had been halfway through the recording of their first album when the whole Rinoa/Quistis thing happened, almost a year ago. I know it was a year because I had just gotten my one-year chip. My former sponsor, Ron, had flown all the way to Tears' Point, where we were on our tour, to give me that chip.  
Well, Squall and company had offered me a permanent place in the band, once Quistis formally split. Last I heard her and Rinoa were living near the Centra ruins, doing research. Well, Quistis was doing research, she's the smart one of the pair. Rinoa's just her bimbo.  
I'm still a little angry at them.  
We scrapped the album as it was, half-finished, and started over. Between the four of us we had some awsome lyrics, and when put to song they, plainly put, rocked. Sixteen tracks, three months, and a million hours later, our first album, _December Promise_, hit the shelves.  
In the nine months since the release our album has gone platinum several times. People really seem to like it.  
Unfortunately, this has caused a huge demand for tours. We've done two so far, but we're taking some time off to work on our next album. Squall and I have a few songs we're hoping won't be so bad.  
Last time we played in Dollet, we played Diablos. It was the only place we'd play, and not only did the concert sell out, but there were people crowded around for blocks trying to hear us. December made a ton of money that night.  
She's doing good. She's dating a guy named Ken, one of her bartenders. He's a nice enough guy. The night of the concert he proposed. She said yes; as far as I can tell she's pregnant, too. She may or may not sell the bar.  
Squall was staring at his computer, reading through an email. "Think we could squeeze in one more concert before we go on break?" He asked, dragging me back to the present. I groaned; Squall's always been a workaholic, even when he was just a SeeD.  
"What now?"  
Squall pointed to his screen and I walked over and looked over his shoulder.  
I smirked. "Hell, why not? Anything for a friend, right?"  
Squall nodded solomnly. "Right."

December did not wear the traditional white gown at her wedding. Considering her past, that was probably appropriate.  
Instead, she wore a pale blue that looked absolutely gorgeous on her. Ken did not wear a tux; he wore nice slacks and a button-down black shirt with no tie. It looked nice, I guess. I couldn't see myself wearing a tux to get married in, either.  
I looked at Squall, who nodded and counted out the beats. As December was led down the aisle (her father is long dead, so Kashmir, the bouncer, led her out), we struck up the wedding march. I must say, it sounded pretty cool played with a rock ensemble.  
Jake was there. Remember Jake? He'd been clean for a little over a year, too. He'd chopped his hair real short and joined the Dollet Army. He was there in his dress uniform, with his girlfriend, a woman he'd met in rehab.  
Jez was there, too, only her job had brought her here. She worked for a caterer in town; while I'm glad she's got a job and is doing alright by herself (her parents paid for rehab but pretty much disowned her), she still gives me dark looks every now and then. Ah, well. There was nothing I could do about it.  
Squall, Zell, and I were wearing tuxes. Squall's tux was normal, but mine had red crosses (my trademark symbol, known pretty much world-wide at this point) on the arms, and Zell's pants were cut short, like the surfer shorts he normally wears. Selphie was wearing a tux getup, too; a black jacket with coattails, a tux shirt with a cummerbund, and a bowtie, with a black poodle skirt (with awhite petticoat underneath; I thought it made her look like an umbrella, and had no compunctions about telling her so. She told me to get bent)and knee-high gogo boots. Irvine, who was our stage manager, was also present, in a tux with his trademark cowboy hat.  
December reached the alter. I watched as Ken took her hand, mesmerized (she did look pretty, stunning really, so I could see why he was). They listened as vows were recited, exchanging long, searching looks. Before long they chanted their I Do's and kissed, and then everyone erupted into cheering. Selphie jumped and clapped, Zell let out a whoop. Squall applauded politely.  
And me? I just stood there, smiling. Ken had got himself quite a woman, one of the best. He was a lucky man.  
I looked over at Squall. He was standing there, a polite expression on his face as he clapped for the newlyweds, who still hadn't finished kissing. He caught sight of me and smiled.  
I was a lucky man too.  
I stepped up to the microphone and started singing; we were the band for the reception, and several people were looking at us expectantly.

_Desperate for changing  
Starving for truth  
Closer to where I started  
Chasing after you _

_I'm falling even more in love with you  
Letting go of all I've held onto  
I'm standing here until you make me move  
I'm hanging by a moment here with you_

_Forgetting all I'm lacking  
Completely and complete  
I'll take your invitation  
You take all of me_

_I'm falling even more in love with you!  
Letting go of all I've held onto  
I'm standing here until you make me move  
Just hanging by a moment here with you  
I'm living for the only thing I know  
I'm running and not quite sure where to go  
And I don't know what I'm diving into  
Just hanging by a moment here with you_

_There's nothing else to lose  
There's nothing else to try  
There's nothing in the world  
That could change my mind  
There is nothing else...  
There is nothing else_

_Desperate for changing  
Starving for truth  
Closer to where I started  
Chasing after you..._

_I'm falling even more in love with you!  
Letting go of all I've held onto  
I'm standing here until you make me move  
Just hanging by a moment here with you  
I'm living for the only thing I know  
I'm running and not quite sure where to go  
And I don't know what I'm diving into  
Just hanging by a moment here with you_

_Just hanging by a moment...  
Hanging by a moment...  
Hanging by a moment...  
I'm hanging by a moment here with you_

Squall caught my eye. He knew. I knew. I considered proposing, but I shook it off. Why bother? We had the rest of our lives to consider something like that.  
And yes, it would be the rest of our lives. No matter how long or short they were. An hour, a minute, a moment...I'd be there for him, he'd be there for me. And that's all there was to it.  
I'd come a long way from a homeless drug addict, but I guess one thing never changed; I always loved Squall. I know now that I always had, and I always will.  
Old habits die hard.

_"Hanging by a Moment" is copyright Lifehouse._

_I'm really sorry that was so short and anticlimactic. I just sort of invisioned it going here anyway. I hope you liked it. Sorry it took so long!  
Tasha_


End file.
